DenBob's HorrorScopes (and Fun Facts)

Great Grandfather Talmus and his 9 foot Bass Fiddle!

2010-02-14T22:20:00.001-06:00

NEVER PLAY A BASS FIDDLE 5 FEET TALLER THAN YOURSELF (Rule #7)

*From Kramer Family Archives 1892.

OK, THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!!!

2010-02-07T21:01:00.000-06:00

NO MORE DAMN PURPLE AND GREEN!!!

2010-02-06T21:05:00.000-06:00

The Ignoramus lives on today in small towns throughout America!

2010-02-03T10:35:00.000-06:00

The IGNORAMUS was the dumbest of all prehistoric creatures

An ADAGE is but a wise saying proverb...

2010-01-26T08:05:00.004-06:00

ADAGES FOR TODAY: (Old sayings that defy space and time)

1. AN OPEN BOOK NEVER LIES
2. ONE CANNOT REASON WITH A MIDGET
3. DIRT ROLLS UPHILL
4. TOO OLD TO BE TOLD
5. NEVER ENTRUST BLIND MEN TO DESCRIBE AN ELEPHANT

Chicks and Dudes look great in Hot Pants!

2010-01-21T07:26:00.000-06:00

Before we could afford full length white ties...

2010-01-15T18:38:00.000-06:00

MEN, IF YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT GETTING MARRIED...

2010-01-08T11:47:00.002-06:00

The AcoustiBobs when they were called "KETTLE CREEK"

2010-01-08T03:04:00.002-06:00

Why is the O silent in Opossum? (More proof that they're evil)

2010-01-02T16:22:00.000-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (01-02-10) Be relieved and relish the fact that Holiday Family visits are now over. Don’t leave anything undone, especially things not finished. Don’t let tripping over your own feet be your downfall. A sentry caught off guard is one not on duty. Never trust an animal that hangs upside-down...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The most common name for a boy in 1859 was "Tater."

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM BELGIUM

2010-01-01T11:26:00.000-06:00

Happy 2010 from The AcoustiBobs!!!

2009-12-30T10:39:00.000-06:00

2009-12-29T09:44:00.001-06:00

YES IT CERTAINLY DOES!

2009-12-21T14:34:00.002-06:00

Nothing like an Outdoor Concert in the Winter!!!

2009-12-19T13:03:00.000-06:00

They were the METALLICA of their day!

2009-12-17T00:31:00.002-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (12-17-09) Do unto yourself as you’d have them unto you. Ride to the 99th floor to elevate your self-esteem. Never decide until you make up your mind. Your mind is not focused on your work right now---hopefully you’re not an airline pilot…

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Neanderthral vegetarians starved to death...

My favorite Michael Bolton Album Today (hard to narrow it down)

2009-12-15T12:37:00.000-06:00

Looks so good---think I'll leave it up all year...

2009-12-15T00:14:00.002-06:00

Talentless Asswipes Win Grammy! (insert date of choice here)

2009-12-12T15:49:00.001-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (12-12-09) There's only 1104 more days until the end of the world as we know it. And here I always thought the end of the world was when Milli Vanilli won the Grammy for Best New Artist in 1990...

BEFORE I COULD AFFORD A GUITAR STRAP!

2009-12-12T11:35:00.000-06:00

2009-12-11T22:29:00.002-06:00

THIRD MEETING OF THE INTERNATIONAL HAT CLUB FOR MEN (1933)

2009-12-11T20:33:00.001-06:00

SURE LOOKS NICE FROM THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW...

2009-12-10T10:08:00.001-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (12-10-09) If you live in the greater Chicagoland area, you may consider staying indoors until April 23rd. Historically on this date, the temperatures average a range of 54 to 56 degrees in the Northern Illinois province. At this time, the chances of lingering snow in your driveway hits a normal low of 1%. This will be a perfect opportunity for you to venture outdoors, get some supplies and retrieve your mail...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Snow has been radioactive since 1945 and should never be ingested.

Stuck by the woods on a snowy evening...

2009-12-09T19:48:00.001-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (12-09-09) If you wait long enough before you shovel the snow from your driveway, chances are it will eventually melt. Don't let sitting down stand in your way. Today, Mercury will be hiding behind Venus and Mars, but don't tell Pluto or Donald Duck. Bring your life into focus by wearing your glasses.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The temperature of our Sun is well over one thousand degrees!

Sphinxter the Sphinx and his Santa Hat!

2009-12-07T12:20:00.001-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (12-07-09) There's 383 days left until Christmas 2010 and already the stores have Christmas decorations displayed! History is a thing of the past. Speaking of bad Christmas gifts, an "Etch a Sketch" is for people who long to draw like they've been lobotomized...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Driving automobiles on frozen lakes is legal in Minnesota.

Binge Drinking and Skydiving outlawed in most states!

2009-12-04T21:40:00.002-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (12-05-09) Change is in the air but you could use dollar bills more. Avoid arguments that can lead to disagreements. Pull your act together but don't be pushy. Today is Repeal Day. On December 5, 1933---the 21st Amendment was ratified, prohibition ended and Americans once again had the right to a celebratory libation or three or thirty...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The FAA has determined that binge drinking and skydiving can be a lethal combination...

If the Aunt Jemymah Ruins predict our demise, perhaps I will buy a new car in 2012.

2009-12-03T08:31:00.000-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (12-03-09) Today is December 3rd---the 337 day of the year if you're a chanting Gregorian. That means there's only 28 days left in the year, which divided by four equals 7, which is the amount of days in a week and a prime number! Amazing stuff. Mathematicians are the best problem solvers. If the world ends in the movie "2012," then we should be spared a sequel? I haven't seen it...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Siamese twins feel a strong attachment to one another...

Reports indicate that Christmas Shopping deteriorates your mental stability!

2009-11-30T11:53:00.000-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (11-30-09) Live it up today---fly to another country for breakfast, then sail back home on a homemade raft. If you think you still love humanity, do me a favor and go Christmas shopping---then get back to me...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The Cavemen who discovered fire were in fear of it, while the young Cave Children were fascinated with fire and often played with it.

Elvis Impersonator abducted by aliens on a rural country backroad!!!

2009-11-29T10:00:00.000-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (11-29-09) Try canning as a hobby but keep a lid on it. When pushed into a corner, circle your enemies. Stay away from wide open rural areas and isolated country roads today, as the chances of "human hunting" alien craft sightings will increase as the evening approaches---Elvis impersonators are especially at risk...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The first alien abduction occurred in 1961. Once the made for TV movie about that event aired in 1975, humans were being abducted by aliens at an alarming rate, especially during rerun season...

Frazier the Turkey's diet was one person a day!

2009-11-26T10:10:00.000-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (11-26-09) Surprise company might pop by your place today---surprise them by not being home. Dysfunction is NOT unique to your family. Eat until you lose consciousness. Follow your hunch but sit up straight. A "New York minute" is 44 seconds long.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Frazier, the world's largest turkey, was 27 feet tall, 13 feet wide and weighed 2,036 pounds! It fed the entire town of Fourhead, Iowa on Thanksgiving in 1967.

Plenty of room for you---at the Skeleton Hotel!

2009-11-22T11:03:00.002-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (11-22-09) A printing press is a possible money making venture. Furnaces are full of hot air. Droughts may inhibit cash flow. I would still bet the farm that the Nigerian Prince emailing you for money in exchange for bigger money, is a fraud---just a hunch. Drop aplomb with assurance. Careful as to not cause a sore...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The famous "Catacombs of Chlamydiah" date back to the 2nd Century but were only discovered in 1900!

Rare Photo of Jesus and his pet Dinosaur, Hymie!

2009-11-21T20:09:00.001-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (11-21-09) Make a dog your pet project. Travel is the best way to get somewhere else. Isolation is more effective by yourself behind closed doors. You are prone to make sudden changes that concerns your livelihood, don’t take this lying down. Plan a schedule for your next agenda.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Jesus had a pet dinosaur named Hymie.

HAPPY "PET A PANTHER" DAY!

2009-11-20T10:38:00.001-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (11-20-09) As you know, in most areas of the country, today is "Pet a Panther Day." Take your time while making an impulsive decision. Take stock of your soup recipes. Tomorrow will be today's past and yesterday's future. If you feel you can't make it to the finish line, turn back at the half-way mark. Don’t be a heal and send money to a TV evangelist...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: "Pet a Panther Day" was started by President Theodore Roosevelt and declared a "National Day of Observance" on November 20th, 1908.

White Men, along with badminton, invent another safe sport to excel in...

2009-11-19T21:46:00.001-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (11-19-09) You need to get to the bottom of things---but stay away from wells. Negative thinking is rampant among photographers who lose focus. When you’re left with your own devices, have plenty of remotes. Newspapers are black and white and read all over. You can be very productive today in creative areas---find out where they are and move there.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Wiffle Ball was an Olympic event---but only once, at the 1964 Summer games in Tokyo.

Proof that Einstein once taught at a Catholic Grade School!

2009-11-17T12:15:00.000-06:00

HORROR-SCOPE (11-16-09) Never throw in the towel unless doing laundry. Never jump to conclusions without proper footwear. You tend to be a loner when not around others. Drummers will play an important roll in your life. Pull your weight but don’t be pushy. Healing cures all wounds. Brine cures all ham.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: In accordance with the Gregorian calendar, THANKSGIVING is on a Thursday this year---and as a result, CHRISTMAS will fall on the 25Th of December!

GIRL SURVIVES BACKYARD TIGHTROPE ACCIDENT!

2009-11-15T12:40:00.000-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (11-15-09) Open your heart and it will bleed. Alert ballet dancers are always on their toes. Bale the hay yourself and save a bundle. Speak up while sitting down. Tying off your boat properly when win your pier's respect. Plumbing problems will sink you and drain your savings--beware. Enjoy the company of people who agree with everything you say. Monkeys don't really enjoy dressing in suits and smoking cigars.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: 98% of tightrope walkers are killed on the job...

eCONOMY AFFECTING THE WIG INDUSTRY AS MORE MEN ADOPT THE "COMB-OVER!"

2009-11-13T10:14:00.001-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (11-13-09) Friday the 13th is considered by some to be a bad luck day, but you're too smart for that rubbish aren't you? That said, consider staying indoors today with the curtains drawn, the windows shut and the doors locked as nothing good is out there for you on this dark day. Be fierce in your subtlety. The next time you take it to another level, use an elevator. Don't answer that---it's just another door-to-door door salesman. Lay down your arms and the legs will follow.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: There are two kinds of people in the world:
1. Those who hate being Bald
2. Those who claim it doesn’t bother them

"Mom, can we go to Sears---I need a new lizard?" (boy, 1964)

2009-11-11T23:24:00.001-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (11-12-09) If a Nigerian Prince tries to hand you "free" Carrot Top tickets today, don't fall for it! Eat more citrus outdoors and bask in the limelight. Avoid needless disputes with co-workers or customers unless they say something stupid. Grazing cows often chew the scenery. In the distant future, focus on the here and now. Putting your head together with someone else works wonders unless you’re a conjoined twin.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: In 1969 at your local Sears you could buy a chemistry set, a wedding dress, fresh flowers, a Spider Monkey, a hunting knife, a new set of tires and have them installed, a robot, a turtle that would live for 9 days, a "Ted Williams" rifle, fertilizer, fish for your aquarium, a paisley shirt, poison, a garden tractor, a fur coat, a hot dog and fries and have a shoe salesman in a white shirt and tie fine shoes for you that fit. (They stopped selling homes in 1940)

TOO MANY PEOPLE TAKE ROCK FORMATIONS FOR GRANITE

2009-11-11T08:43:00.000-06:00

HORROR-SCOPE (11-11-09) Marching drummers are extremely upbeat. Some realtors have a lot to offer. All hills have a downside. Try hot-air ballooning but don’t get carried away. Pilots have their heads in the clouds. When in doubt, eat more cake. Road construction paves the way for others to follow. Martinis deserve a fair shake.

TODAY’S FUN FACT: Carrots get their color from “Oxygen.”

MAN GOES BERSERK OPENING PACKAGE, SAWS OFF THREE FINGERS!

2009-11-07T11:31:00.000-06:00

HORROR-SCOPE (11-07-09) Reduce overhead by wearing a smaller hat. Bathing makes good scents. The chances of renegade flying monkeys stealing babies from your arms increases today as the sun settles in the west---beware. A good hammer will fix anything. Many of you will notice subtle changes in the next few years---changes in style, your looks, your finances, maybe even your entire life’s situation. Tomorrow's a good day to procrastinate---or the next day—or the day after that. In a roundabout way, square off with your inner circle. In a scary voice, ask telemarketers for their home phone number and address...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Please take comfort in the fact that EVERYONE has the same trouble as you do opening CD and DVD packaging---this is NOT a mental deficiency issue---but "blister packaging" requires dynamite...

"OK, I'LL GET IN, BUT I WANT MY OWN ROOM!" (Noah's son Denis)

2009-11-04T18:11:00.000-06:00

HORRORSCOPE (11-04-09) There should be a change of weather at some point in your area. Protect your home and assets with a motion-detecting vaporizing radioactive laser fence. A bizarre yoga accident may leave you in an awkward position. If you had the talent and personality, you could impress others with your humor. Write short stories in longhand. Carefully selected choices should be randomly chosen. Who was in charge of getting the Tarantulas, Cobras, Saber Tooth Tigers, and Rhinos onto the Ark? I certainly would've been too busy "looking for more sealant for the gaps" or something...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Sweatpants were actually invented to be worn INDOORS...

IMMIGRANT BREAKS INTO SUBURBAN HOME, DUSTS, VACUUMS AND LEAVES!

2009-11-02T08:01:00.000-06:00

HORROR-SCOPE (11-02-09) Watch out for illegal aliens today landing in your neighborhood, mowing your lawn and then flying back home! Avoid piloting small aircraft without first taking lessons. Employees at a Weighing Machine factory work for scale. Horses are stable animals. Coffee beans should be part of your daily grind. Drink premium vodka to be full of good spirits. Romancing with someone wealthy will enrich your life. The United States Citizenship exam should have no fewer than THREE “Rock and Roll” questions that must be correct.

TODAY’S FUN FACT: A diamond will not dissolve in acid. Intense heat is the only thing that can destroy it---that, and divorce…

HALLOWEEN is the ONLY day you don't mind answering the door.

2009-10-30T10:21:00.001-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (10-30-09) Wait Wait Wait, did ya hear that? Listen….ok-ok, you heard that! Oh man that’s not good----there’s pounding on your door downstairs, not just the door---the windows! the house!!! It’s Everywhere!!! My God, whose is that! What is that! Sounds like hundreds of them----They’re going to break in! Damn, they’re getting in! Quick, close the door and help me move this dresser---give me that cell phone---there’s no time!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Balboa may be credited with "discovering" the Pacific Ocean but it was actually already there---for years!

MT. PILOT MAN LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN AFTER ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS!

2009-10-28T23:50:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (10-28-09) Today, you share a birthday with BRUCE JENNER---whose gender reassignment surgery was a complete success! Sightings of dancing skeletons shall be more prevalent as Halloween approaches. Don't let your sheer enthusiasm for mountain climbing lead you down a slippery slope. There should be a change in the weather at some point in your area. The sale of fireworks will skyrocket next June. Never slap a Rhinoceros in your bare feet. You will be recognized at your next family reunion---sorry...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: A Floorist is a guy who lays down tile for a living. If he has trouble doing his job, it is known today as erect-tile dysfunction...

MAN ARRESTED FOR SMUGGLING BOOKS INTO ARKANSAS!

2009-10-26T20:52:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (10-27-09) Your tailor may try to alter your opinion to suit his needs. This is a wonderfully creative day for you, call in sick and rearrange your sock drawer! This can be a very fruitful day if you work in an orchard. To count on others just doesn't add up. A good waiter brings a lot to the table. You are the driving force behind the wheel of your car. Think twice before procrastinating. Make tentative choices without hesitation. Experienced barbers shear at a good clip and never cut corners. Enjoy yourself while boating but don't go overboard...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: A hair in your popsicle is called a "follicle."

CHECK YOUR PUMPKINS TODAY FOR ICONIC IMAGES!

2009-10-24T12:08:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (10-25-09) In your pumpkin patch today, you will find a pumpkin that looks similar to Jesus or possibly one of his disciples. Make sure you get photo proof and back it up on a disc before you call the liberal media. Prepare yourself for the onslaught of nutbags who will be invading your property crying, moaning, praying and stuff... Shave, shower and wear you best good clean clothes so you look decent on camera. Are you sure you want to go thru with this? Remember the wise old adage, "A warehouseman never performs a stocking feat in his stocking feet." Strap on a harness and it will give you a new leash on life and show great restraint...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Christopher Columbus landed on our shores on October 12, 1492---which just so happened to be "COLUMBUS DAY!"

Question: "How was the carnival?" Answer: "Faire"

2009-10-22T08:17:00.001-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (10-22-09) Face the music by turning towards the speakers. Keep a close eye on the situation at hand from afar. Have a riot at the demonstration. I hope things were fine in trafiic court today. I hope your sprained ankle is swell, but I heard the carnival was fair. Keeping things simple will only complicate matters. Unless you're tired of living, never whack a leopard in the butt with a wiffle ball bat. You are allergic to rash thinking. Take the weight off your shoulders by letting others do the heavy lifting. Your shoe's untied...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The very first Microphones were simple crude vocal enhancers that were virtualy inaudible.

GRANDPA RODE A TRACTOR, JESUS RODE A RAPTOR

2009-10-18T11:40:00.001-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (10-18-09) This is an accident-prone day. Do not leave an open gallon of paint on top of the ladder as you fly by it blind folded on your roller skates while holding a flaming torch in one hand, a pair of scissors in the other hand, a rag dripping with gasoline in your back pocket and a butcher knife in your teeth... Living in a fantasy world will make your dreams come true. It'a a good day to chill out in the desert sun. Ferrets are not a wise choice for house pets---along with aardvarks, raptors, gibbons, cobras, panthers and pumas. You won't run out of time if you have enough clocks. Double-cross those who cross you...

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: The fattest Dinosaur was the "BLUTOSAURUS.

LAST ONE IN THE ARK IS A ROTTEN DINOSAUR EGG!

2009-10-17T12:24:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (10-17-09) Think twice before doing anything spontaneous. If someone makes fun of your lawn, defend your turf and stand your ground. Initiate change by using larger bills. To clear your schedule, highlight and hit delete. Let your car steer you in the right direction. A good stage manager works behind the scenes. To stay on a level playing field, keep off the mound. Share the wealth by spending other people's money. The next time someone cooks for you, return the flavor. Lie to others and be true to yourself. Chirping is for the birds...

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: The stupidest of all Dinosaurs was the "INBECILLION." It was even dumber than the "MORONOSAURUS."

DID YOU HEAR THAT? HEAR WHAT? (Door to Door Mimes)

2009-10-13T13:13:00.001-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (10-13-09) If you undergo transplant surgery today, you will have a change of heart. Door to door MIMES will be in your neighborhood today, but you won't hear them knock. You genuinely enjoy the company of others especially when you are home alone. Go to a butcher shop for a meat and greet. Taste everything you eat with a grain of salt. Fix up your digs by covering the holes in your story. Beating one to the punch will bring you added clout---as well as satisfying your thirst. Step up to the plate but don't eat with your hands. If you cannot say something complimentary, then disparaging, deprecating, insulting, belittling, offensive and derogatory comments will do. I'd wave but my hands are full...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: A giant prehistoric moth is called a "BEHEMOTH." The most famous one is known as "Mothra."

MICHAEL BOLTON---STILL DANGEROUS EVEN WITH SHORT HAIR!

2009-10-10T08:27:00.001-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (10-10-09) Michael Bolton songs can be very harmful today; play it safe by NOT listening to any of his overwrought histrionics and immediately leave any stores, offices or elevators that are soothingly and subliminally oozing his tortured tunes out of their speakers---but especially dangerous are "Bolton-ized" versions of classic Motown ballads! The understanding of the word "Celsius" requires in tens thinking. A tolerant psychiatrist has a lot of patients. Magic is an illusion. Put a bookmark in your feelings so you know where you left off. Reverse your past by moving forward. Think small, dream big, never hire a medium and order a jumbo hot dog---without ketchup!!!
TODAY'S FUN FACT: You can't measure a live snake.

Beehive Hairdo back in fashion! The Apatosaurus was purple!

2009-10-08T10:35:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (10-08-09) You have a dedicated passion to eagerly pursue enthusiasm with a zealous fervor! If you feel that the Earth sucks, it's most likely just gravity pulling. Wash your new pants before you wear them---Remember, good jeans come to those who fade. Good shapes come to those who lathe. Tub rings come to those who bathe. Good strings strum to those who play. Good weaves come to those who braid. Good links come to those who chain. Good swings come to those who sway. Good rinks come to those who skate. Good tips come to those who wait. Good fees come to those who rate. Spending money frivolously will affect your value system. You may be allergic to bees if you break out in hives...

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: SAUROPODS, which includes, among others, the APATOSAURUS (formerly known as The Brontosaurus) and the BRACHIOSAURUS, are now believed to have been purple in color, and communicated by utilizing a high-pitched bark!

GODZILLA CHOMPS ON A LIONEL TRAIN AFTER WREAKING HAVOC AT A TOKYO TOY STORE!

2009-10-07T09:29:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (10-07-09) You are in a groove, so set the record straight, play it forward, keep your needle to the grindstone and stay on track. Listen to yourself but wear headphones. The fastest animal in the world is the Cheater, but it never wins the race. The fruit falls mainly from the tree. Buy the skillet before the eggs hatch. You must break out of your shell before you can leave the nest. Love is the glue that will keep you together, but it may wash off. Dress down and look your best---but please---never go shopping wearing sweatpants! Remember, inspired inspiration is your insightful incentive to spur on the driving force of motivation. Elevate your situation and move to the mountains.

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: The largest Dinosaur ever unearthed is called the "Godzillasaurus." Discovered in Tokyo in 1954, the Godzillasaurus or "Godzilla" as it is nicknamed, stood well over 200 feet tall, weighed over 50,000 tons, breathed fire, and had a deafening metallic sounding roar. Godzilla was aquatic and terrestrial, very strong and dexterous---and even learned a prehistoric version of the martial arts. Godzilla is the only Dinosaur that has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

ALL DOLLED UP FOR THE ANTIQUE SHOW

2009-10-04T09:41:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (10-04-09) The Moons of ZorbaTugg are partially hidden today which means---Never ever trust Antique Dolls! The older and the creepier they are, the more dangerous. They don't necessarily look human but they also DO in a way, don't they? Even if these porcelain vessels of wickedness are perched in a locked glass case, you are still not safe, for their evil knows no boundaries...And if you snap a photo of them with their eyes looking away, you will notice when downloading the photo, at least one doll will be looking directly at YOU---the camera---thus proving they actually are alive. You can also forget about putting one of them in a vice and sawing its head off---it didn't work in a old Twilight Zone episode and it surely won't work in real life. Your only obvious choices are to, move out of the country, turn off the Sci-Fi channel, or burn your house down with the dolls in it---but if you go with the last choice, don't be surprised if they escape---charred and burning mad!!!

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Initially, there were 29 letters in the alphabet but the other 3 letters didn't spell anything and were dropped in 1527 by King Riley III.

TRANSMISSION FROM SPACE THOUGHT TO BE MANUAL

2009-10-02T16:01:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (10-02-09) The Moon is in your back pocket today; wear it well. You are magnetic so avoid steel shavings. Reach for the high notes in a low key way. You're ready to tackle disputes if you're wearing a helmet. Another wayward wrench from the Space Station was hurdling towards Earth but upon entering our atmosphere, vanished into thin air. Close call. You're an easy going hopeless romantic, which makes it so darn easy for you to get stepped on, trampled on, chewed up and spat out. Sit back and relax but be on your toes and everything will be copacetic---I'm not sure what it means either but I recall taking two teaspoons of it every time I was sick as a kid and hated the taste...

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: The smallest Dinosaurs were called "Shrimptons." These tiny marsh dwellers measured only 2 inches long and were boneless.

MARS NEEDS GUITARS---BUT NOT YOU!

2009-10-01T11:01:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (10-01-09) In you live in a remote area and are abducted (again) by Aliens and transported to Mars, STAY IN THE SHIP! With its 0.13% Gravity and 95% carbon dioxide and surface temperatures as low as -200 Fahrenheit, the thin atmosphere of our distant Spherical Reddish Friend will suck the life right out of you---almost like listening to a Michael Bolton album! If you do foolishly decide to explore the windy dusty barren landscape, for Heaven's sake--wear a nice warm coat, SCBA (self-contained breathing apparatus) and sensible shoes. And for the love of PeteBob, don't do the "Moonwalk joke" for the Martians, they've seen it a million times since 1983 and are not impressed. In fact, many indigenous Martians are unhappy with Earthlings (or "Hayseeds" as they mockingly refer to us) continually being abducted and brought to their planet only to be probed, photographed, cloned and then dropped back off on one of our lonely backwoods country roads. Some Martians have even started protesting, but since we are the only other inhabitants in the Galaxy discovered so far, we're the only choice they have---though they wonder in amazement how such "Empty Vessels" managed to land on the "Little Orb" a few times back in the '70's.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: A Martian year is 687 Earth days---which explains why Martians look so good for their age...

Velvet Clown Paintings make great Wedding gifts...

2009-09-30T00:34:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (09-30-09) You have the imaginary rings of Saturn in your orbit today---which means, it's a great day to go backpacking in the Alaskan wilderness. Keep in mind it's almost October, so beware of cute starving bears. All bears---whether Grizzly, Polar, Bi-Polar, Brown---no matter, because to them, you look like a huge walking Rib-Eye! Also important: Try to avoid any Meth labs you may encounter as Alaska is the frozen meth lab capital of the world. Hey---Hey---Did that Velvet Clown painting on your wall just move? Are you sure? No, not the whole thing, just the eyes...look again, if you dare...Don't try to dispose of it in the trash either; the next morning it'll be hanging on your wall again---only this time, it won't be smiling...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The sticky side of tape is known in the scientific community as the adhesive side.

A NEW DAY DAWNS (oops)

2009-09-28T23:47:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (09-29-09) Well, it looks like checkout time at the Hotel of Life is extended---seems I was wrong about the world ending yesterday. This is what the Moons and Stars spoke to me---guess I heard the signs wrong. Sorry. I hope you didn't do anything rash just because I said to "go nuts" yesterday---I was caught up in the moment... After such a stress filled day thinking that life was over, you deserve an easy one. Put your feet up today and let others do the legwork. Hard work is overrated anyway, right? You may prefer to work with your head rather than your hands, but let's be practical. You are a walking greatest hits compilation with a one track mind. Listen when wiser people talk, take notes, and use those words as your own to impress those younger than you. Promotion to a higher level is very much a possibility for you in the near future---manager, junior executive assistant to the regional vice-president, dictator, coin club trustee, mess hall sergeant---any of these are within your grasp. Reach for the sky but stay out of trees...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: A Slinky will not work on the Moon.

THE END IS NEAR (Sorry)

2009-09-27T18:06:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (09-27-09) Today is your last day on Earth. The clashing Moons in the Diatycht Galaxy predetermines that tomorrow is possibly the end of the world---which makes this a great day to go absolutely berserk! Make this final 24 hour period memorable buy turning it into your personal Bacchanalian FunFest! Push the envelope, start an affair. Hey, people do it all the time, why worry about the consequences when time is so finite. Meet someone bizarre at an bazaar or in a seedy bar. Lease a new Mercedes Convertible and fly first class to Paris. Steaks, martinis, bonfires, shiny new guitars, fireworks, go-karts and silly string---go nuts. Go to dark places you never dared---like the crawl space---throw caution to the wind and let it blow away. Empty your bank account, hurry to the casino and stuff 100 dollar bills into slot machines. Double down at a singles bar armed with only cold hard cash and chilled French Champagne. Embrace that whack job over there you normally would run away from, give a waitress a 300% tip, drinks for everyone--you are the party! Consider what's reasonable and do the exact opposite. Let's go man. THE CLOCK IS TICKING...

HIGH TENSION RELIEF

2009-09-27T17:46:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (09-26-09) There's a thin line between fair and foul. Those High-Tension Towers in your area and near your property line only make COWS go insane and kill each other. There's no hard evidence that you are in danger, though the incessant low buzz drone they emit may erase your memory and your ability to procreate---oh, and your ability to reason, taste, appreciate rock and roll and tightrope walk. Be indiscreet and diplomatic at all times. The Road to Peace and Sanity is under perpetual construction---so is every road in your State. Don't fret about your financial situation, everybody is broke. Romance is in the heir. Don't trust the affluent.
TODAY'S FUN FACT: As a child, President Harry Truman was a famed silent movie star best known for his "Little Pest" film shorts.

You should see your pillow magnified!

2009-09-27T17:23:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (09-25-09) Uh, it's a little early for that isn't it? Wear anything BLUE today and good luck will engulf you. Plus, you'll match the sky when you're outdoors! Oddly enough, Ocean Water is NOT Blue, the Ocean Floor is Blue. Mix Blue and Red Play-Doh in your hand and the result will be a cool looking Purple ball! You'll be in a better mood once you eat. Blue is the new Orange."Welcome To Earlville" is your sign for today, wear it well. Des Moines means "The Moines" in English. Never order spaghetti at a Bait & Snack Shoppe.
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The shortest distance between two points is called a LINE.

John Tesh's new album hailed as "Scary Good!"

2009-09-27T17:01:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (09-24-09) COMMON SENSE RULE #7: Never retire at night with a mannequin in your bedroom. You'll wake up and the mannequin won't be where it was... Suddenly, the crash of dishes breaking, the echo of wolves howling, monks chanting, vegetables dancing, skeletons sword fighting, terrifying winds with tree branches snapping, windows flapping, high pitched cackling mixed in with other murmuring voices, maniacal laughter and scary-ass John Tesh music---then abruptly, before you can scream, more mannequins---dozens of them, running into your room and...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Snake Venom prevents cavities but will kill you first...

Even Nudist Colonies have an Elvis...

2009-09-27T16:34:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-23-09) Currently, there are more Elvis Impersonators than policemen in our country, a sure sign of the coming Apocalypse. And there are more Clowns than Panda Bears but that's obvious...And why do all the Elvis Impersonators look alike but they don't look like Elvis---the E man? In other planetary news, Hershey will align with Mars to form the biggest candy company in the Solar System. A surprise is in store---which store will be for you to find. Mercury may be the smallest planet, but as an element---which is the way it prefers to reside on Earth---may kill you if it gets on your skin. Don't step on small pets...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Mountain Lion Cubs are also called "CHACKS."

SHOW HIM THIS PICTURE WHEN HE'S 40!

2009-09-27T16:18:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (09-22-09) Patience is a virtue. Liberty is a statue. Limitations are a statute. Fear not home repairs though you may find drilling to be a bit boring. Don't forget your X26 TASER today, you'll need it. Treat others with dignity and respect. Cut in line when in a hurry. Park in a handicapped spot and limp into the grocery store. Lay on your horn if the car in front doesn't take off instantly after the light turns green. If a patron at the post office is screaming into his cell phone, grab it and throw it across the street. You are currently in a gentle cycle. Wash in cold water, tumble dry low...
Today's Fun Fact: Christopher Columbus eventually retired in Ohio.

I FEEL THE EARTH MOVE UNDER HER FEET...

2009-09-27T10:46:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-21-09) The Autumnal Equinox starts in certain areas only---check your local listings. All signs alert: Uranus is your ruler but is directly opposed by Urethra. You will be irritated very easily today, leave the gun at home. Perhaps binge drinking is not the best idea you've had lately... Avoid domestic strife by locking yourself in a closet. You have a future in Anger Management but it doesn't pay well. Setting your clock every night doesn't make you an alarmist. Being single means you never have to tuck in your T-shirt ever again...
Today's Fun Fact: The miracle of silly putty can never really be explained.

Will a Blacklight work on the Moon?

2009-09-27T10:37:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-20-09) Because the gravity of Zooton polarizes every third Saturday, temperatures will be moderate on the South Pole of the Moon today and reach a high of 390 degrees below zero. In your neck of the nape, there is a 50% chance of precipitation or not depending on your area. Peanuts, besides being a classic comic strip, are loaded with nutrients such as Nitrogen, Borax, Puce, Aluminum Hydrox Circonium and Xynznyxx. In a nutshell, peanuts are your friends---they're good for you. Don't make waves unless you're in the water... TODAY'S FUN FACT: The diameter of the Earth is the same as the distance around the Equator.

"Ma, come quick---there's another UFO out back!

2009-09-27T10:19:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-19-09) You may run into problems if you are a mathematician. Relieve stress by shooting off your mouth at a fireworks show. The Moon is in Leo---but tell anybody. The result may be a traumatic increase in UFO sightings, especially if you're a single unemployed still lives at Mom's 40ish Super-Hero Memorabilia collecting virgin white guy who frequently calls in to late night radio talk shows that deals in the paranormal and other silliness, but never gets photo proof because the battery on his digital camera isn't charged---again. Allergies are nothing to sneeze at...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The Wright Brothers were afraid of automobiles and never drove.

Drilling for oil with a Gibson Rig on the banks of the Hanrahan

2009-09-27T10:13:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (09-18-09) There's a good chance that oil is flowing deep in your property. Do not be afraid to dig. If not oil, trace amounts of silver and gold are also a possibility. Ignore the mockery of thy neighbors as you excavate and tear up your land. Your final laugh shall resonate throughout the neighborhood. The silence is deafening. Refrigeration not necessary. Address matters honestly, otherwise mail will be returned to you. Say "TOYBOAT" 10 times really fast...
Today's Fun Fact: The opposite of oil is water.

Puppets can't be trusted...

2009-09-27T09:35:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-17-09) Not being a Leap year, Thanksgiving is on a Thursday this year. Look for crop circles in your backyard garden. Money is likely to come your way if you have a job. Consider working with puppets but don't be a dummy and let them string you along. Saturn and Uranus are in opposition of each other---and you're complaining? Magnets will not work on the Equator. For the same reason, Magnates will not work in Ecuador. Reason #7 to despise mimes: Deaf people think mimes are making fun of them.
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The smartest Dinosaur was the Thesaurus.

2009 Carnival Gals Centerfold Calendar!

2009-09-27T09:12:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-16-09) With Summer's upon us, today's a good day to conquer your fear of small town travelling carnivals, even though you think they are employed by poorly educated chain smoking wife beating filthy bathe-free swearing ex-con social misfits with periodontal maladies and are a haven for communicable diseases, petty crime, weak language skills and second hand smoke. While true, you shouldn't judge... Suck it up and ride the rusty Tilt-A-Whirl, the creaky Roller Coaster, the Whiplash with the blaring 70's soundtrack, visit the "Tats Tent," eat a nasty Sno-Cone, ignore the flies swarming the Cotton Candy Machine and waste hard earned money on the rigged games and end up with a straw hat, and a small stuffed animal of some unknown breed---you'll feel about yourself!
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Elephants never stampede alone...

HORROR HAYRIDE (Phil sports an Ostrich egg nest)

2009-09-27T09:04:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-15-09) If you had your fill of specters after yesterday's barrage of apparitional presence, please note that September 15th is generally known in Amish lore as the "Holiday of thy Ghosts." So you have that going for you (go ahead say it) If you're a reelist, that means you're a fisherman. Summer's almost over---your right to bare arms (and legs unfortunately) is nearing an end. To be outstanding in your field, you must live on a farm. Recycle, especially if you fall off of your bike. Now is the optimal time to be an optimist. You had more hair yesterday---just look at your pillow... TODAY'S FUN FACT: No two penguins are alike.

GHOST WRITERS IN DISGUISE

2009-09-27T08:55:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-14-09) Stirring up Ghosts is never something you intentionally want to do. If you're noticing a sudden incursion of ghosts dancing in your inner-space---DO NOT blast any Jimi Hendrix music. Ghosts love Hendrix---I kid you not. The studio stuff. The live stuff---any Hendrix, they go nuts. The only remedy, if you have the constitution, is to run to your local library and take out an Andy Williams CD. Turn up Andy belting out his stellar version of "Michelle" and the ghosts will vaporize instantly like the sun burning away the fog... You need not play any more of the red sweater-ed crooner's tunes than is needed... TODAY'S FUN FACT: A nine sided snowflake is called an ARAX.

Garth Image a hoax!

2009-09-27T02:52:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-13-09) Prime numbers are your friend today but use them at your discretion. Look for signs in the clouds and in a bowl of Cheerios. If you find a Dorito shaped like an upside-down triangle, sell it on eBay. Now is the time to settle the beef with your vegan relative. If a slice of your frozen pizza has the image of Garth Brooks, it's not a miracle. Postpone your promise not to procrastinate any more. Today will be a decent hair day...
Today's Fun Fact: You cannot light a fire on the Moon, it's too windy.

Is there a Butcher Shop in Beecher, IL?

2009-09-27T02:35:00.001-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-12-09) With Mars in your sign today, consider opening a candy store---success is a long shot but the odds are in your flavor. An opportunity to become a butcher may not be the answer once you realize what it entrails... Purchase a bus ticket but get everything in riding. You want a change but not something different. Good things will fall in your lap today, stay away from strip joints. Bread making is on the rise...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: There are over 18.3 miles of veins in one adult 6 foot male.

RUSSIANS MAKE FIRST ZUCCHINI AUTOMOBILE!

2009-09-27T02:27:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (09-11-09) Large Zucchini may look menacing but as a rule, are harmless. The key is not to antagonize and never act afraid around them and you'll be fine. They smell fear though---so watch it... It may be a vegetable but a zucchini is NOT stupid. Eggplant is passive, no caution is necessary. Help is right around the corner providing you stop walking in circles. You're not wearing that shirt with those pants today are you?
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Red Cabbage gets its violet hue from food coloring.

New Celine Dion album comes with Gregorian Fire Suit!

2009-09-26T15:39:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-10-09) Warning: The scary endless Celine Dion version of the old Eric Carmen song, "ALL BY MYSELF," may cause you to burst into flames as she reaches the 4th octave in the last agonizing verse. An ice bath and some de-lousing creme are necessary even if you are subject to just one stanza. The Gregorian Chant version, though usually safe, is also to be at risk. As a precaution, please stay out of the following stores today: The Shoe Attic, Shoe Shed, Shoe Mart, The Shoe Club, The Shoe Market, The Shoe Closet, Shoes Inc, The Shoe Junkie, The Shoe Fetish and Whole Shoes...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The Male Human Ear starts growing again at the age of 62.

Tomato voted most evil vegetable!

2009-09-26T15:20:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (9-9-9) Today is 09-09-09. Just like it was on September 9, 1909. Except they didn't have Internet then. In planetary news, Jupiter tried to align with Mars but Mercury caught wind of it and the plans for peace to guide the planets were thwarted... Tomato is a vegetable today---even in salads. The salads are fine. Sunspots may just be dirty sunglasses. The Moon won't come out tonight, it is being stubborn. Hot air ballooning over Mt. St. Helen's is not such a good idea...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The first known flashlight was a jar of lightning bugs.

Indiana Amusement Park opens the first Monkey-Go-Round!

2009-09-26T14:58:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-08-09) A slow day in the Heavens. As your Asstrologymystyk, I will tell you to check your shoes for scorpions, but never underestimate mites, roaches, trilobites, spiders or morels. Para sailing in a hurricane probably not such a good idea today. Finish all your peas and you'll know the cues. If you live in an area where wild swinging squawking crazy monkeys roam wild, wear a hard hat...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: No mushrooms are poisonous until you eat them.

Actor Rob Lowe poses with Hollywood wax legends!

2009-09-26T14:44:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-07-09) Stay away from Wax Museums today for EVIL lurks in their unblinking eyes. Come to think of it, why would you want to go to a creepy Wax Museum anyway? Not all Balloons are full of hot air, the opposite is true of Jovian Planets. Work hard at change and be diligent in your endeavors. Perhaps a new career is the answer? Let your boss see you show interest in your job and you will be rewarded. A vacation with friends would be very beneficial. Stay home to insure safety. And stay out of Wax Museums...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: It is still up for debate what human hair is actually made of.

Ron Cheggers, Mayor of Clowntown, IL

2009-09-26T13:32:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-06-09) Chances are, if you can read this, you survived yesterday's rain of Space Debris---turns out it was a kidney bean made out of medal... Clown Season is ending, thus you will see an unusual amount of Clowns today. Clowns in small cars, Church picnics, at stoplights handing out nickels, carnivals, casinos, AA meetings and Clown Conventions. Listen to others, trust only yourself. Singing the days of the week in Spanish is the easiest and most effective way of remembering them. Refrigerate after opening. White clothing will be illegal by Tuesday... TODAY'S FUN FACT: 92.4 % of kids are afraid of Clowns.

Ship from Flash Gordon Show crashes to Earth after 70 years!

2009-09-26T13:18:00.001-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-05-09) The chances of being hit by Space Debris increases tenfold from 1400 to 1600 today (2:00pm--4:00pm) especially for those living in rural areas or out in the country. Duck and cover, allow 5 minutes to cool... Juggling can be addictive. You are sitting in a good position to stand up for yourself. Nice shoes, where did you get those? Stay out of Lion cages today especially if you're wearing a meat suit. Venus isn't talking to Mercury today...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The Milky Way is just Space Dust.

Who's that guy in your car?

2009-09-26T12:40:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-04-09) The man hiding in the backseat of your car is an escaped mental patient. He's still sleeping, so you're safe for now---Wait---I thought I heard a car door creak open... If you're in the house, run out the back door NOW and to the neighbor's house--Hurry! The dollar bills in your wallet have trace amounts of cocaine, but not enough to get you high or bring you trouble. You are bursting with creative energy. A nap will do you good. You dropped something...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Early Humans had a "gullet" to aid in the digestion of bark.

Skulls can't move on their own, right? Right???

2009-09-26T12:26:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-03-09) That glow-in-the-dark-Fluorescent Skull that's perched on the dresser in your spare bedroom is not moving when you walk by it at night---it just seems that way...How did that thing get there anyway??? Chances are you'll see clouds in the sky today in your area. Learn a language of your choice by Friday. Leave a liar to his lair as he leaves no footprints...Just because the masses are laughing at Dane Cook doesn't mean he is funny, look at Larry the Cable Guy! Change shampoos...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The earliest of cavemen were only 9 inches tall, but were very swift runners.

One chute won't do---you need a parachute...

2009-09-26T11:55:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (09-02-09) That knocking on your door isn't going away is it? You'll hear eerie laughter coming through the vents while you try to sleep tonight. Don't panic, it's just the relatively harmless basement spirits having their jollies, they'll probably be gone by morning... The middle of the week is drawing nearer---nearer to thee it shall be. Take up skydiving but wear a shirt. Threaten to quit your job unless you get a ridiculous wage increase. Today, you share a birthday with Keanu Reeves. Sorry...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The TWO most edible parts of an onion are the Bulb and the Stem.

Sorry, we don't accept large bills...

2009-09-26T11:43:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (09-01-09) NEVER pick up the phone until the third ring, anything less will be BAD luck today---unless you wear those ugly brown shoes you put away last week... See that 100 dollar bill in the middle of the street? Ignore it, there's no way that is a real Benjamin. Too much of a good thing always leaves one wanting less. Pythagorus was an idiot. St. Francis was a liar. John Davidson was a singer. Consider Iowa...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The most nutritious part of the egg is the shell.

Must be skeletons in the closet...

2009-09-26T11:30:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (08-31-09) Wait---did you hear that? Never mind, I'm sure it was nothing. You know how it is at night---every sound is amplified 10 times---especially creaky scary sounds like that. Hey, didn't you wear those socks yesterday? Not a single cloud in the sky today---a good day NOT to stare at the sun. Never "baby talk" to a Bear, they are not your buddies...
Today's Fun Fact: The Rings of Saturn are imaginary.

They only come out at night...

2009-09-26T11:07:00.000-05:00

HORRORSCOPE (08-30-09) Turn off the stupid nights lights---what are you, six years old? Monsters are just as afraid of the dark as you are! HA HA HA HA---you didn't buy that malarkey did you? Are you kidding me, Monsters THRIVE on the dark!!! If you Text today while driving, don't be surprised if you end up wearing a TREE! Avoid the color ROJO until 2:30pm. The taller the tree the closer the sky. Hoy es Domingo...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Dinosaurs communicated by emitting a high-pitched bark.

Dummies love to watch old Twilight Zone episodes.

2009-09-26T10:49:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (08-29-09) You are slowly falling from a building---but don't worry, you are ASLEEP, and when you land in Freshman year Gym class and everybody's pointing and laughing at you because of your shortcomings, simply pinch yourself very hard and you should wake up. There's a very good chance today you will see a Ventriloquist Dummy driving a Volvo---just back away slowly and look before you leap, leak before you loop and lock before you load. Walk tall but watch for midgets...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Magellan was a dwarf.

HORROR-SCOPE LOG BLOG LOG

2009-09-26T10:41:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (08-28-09) Did you have TWO kidneys when you went to bed last night? Well, you may want to check and do a kidney count. The Harvesting of Organs is becoming VERY lucrative in the Black Market and their sly, cunning yet surreptitious means of obtaining these are getting better and better. Don't look at the bright side, it's not good for your eyes. Never lend money to a relative...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Human hair is a neutral color until it hits the atmosphere.

Try "URBAN MIST" by Chanel...

2009-09-26T10:19:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (08-27-09) I loathe to tell you this but you swallowed FOUR Spiders last night whilst sleeping! OK OK, I'm just kidding, but it WAS some kind of arthropods---not necessarily spiders---geez, spiders---that would suck. That whole "swallow spiders when you sleep" thing is just another silly Urban Myth like giant alligators roaming the New Lenox Sewer System, or Alien Abduction or Scientology. Today, winds will be omni-directional in the early morning and turning against the tide in the afternoon...
TODAY'S FUN FACT Lions are afraid of mice.

Who's been sleeping under my bed?

2009-09-26T09:58:00.000-05:00

HORROR-SCOPE (August 26, 2009) Don't let your feet dangle over the bed---Monsters are grabby today. The sounds emitting from the basement are best ignored, get out of the house quickly and quietly. The chance of blinding rain increases to 43% later in the afternoon. Flood Warnings very possible. Good Things Come To Those Who Wade....
TODAY'S FUN FACT: In the Victorian Era, a Hooligan was also known as a Sniggphant or a Spraddle-Marm.