Velvet Clown Paintings make great Wedding gifts...

HORROR-SCOPE (09-30-09) You have the imaginary rings of Saturn in your orbit today---which means, it's a great day to go backpacking in the Alaskan wilderness. Keep in mind it's almost October, so beware of cute starving bears. All bears---whether Grizzly, Polar, Bi-Polar, Brown---no matter, because to them, you look like a huge walking Rib-Eye! Also important: Try to avoid any Meth labs you may encounter as Alaska is the frozen meth lab capital of the world. Hey---Hey---Did that Velvet Clown painting on your wall just move? Are you sure? No, not the whole thing, just the eyes...look again, if you dare...Don't try to dispose of it in the trash either; the next morning it'll be hanging on your wall again---only this time, it won't be smiling...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The sticky side of tape is known in the scientific community as the adhesive side.

A NEW DAY DAWNS (oops)

HORROR-SCOPE (09-29-09) Well, it looks like checkout time at the Hotel of Life is extended---seems I was wrong about the world ending yesterday. This is what the Moons and Stars spoke to me---guess I heard the signs wrong. Sorry. I hope you didn't do anything rash just because I said to "go nuts" yesterday---I was caught up in the moment... After such a stress filled day thinking that life was over, you deserve an easy one. Put your feet up today and let others do the legwork. Hard work is overrated anyway, right? You may prefer to work with your head rather than your hands, but let's be practical. You are a walking greatest hits compilation with a one track mind. Listen when wiser people talk, take notes, and use those words as your own to impress those younger than you. Promotion to a higher level is very much a possibility for you in the near future---manager, junior executive assistant to the regional vice-president, dictator, coin club trustee, mess hall sergeant---any of these are within your grasp. Reach for the sky but stay out of trees...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: A Slinky will not work on the Moon.

THE END IS NEAR (Sorry)

HORROR-SCOPE (09-27-09) Today is your last day on Earth. The clashing Moons in the Diatycht Galaxy predetermines that tomorrow is possibly the end of the world---which makes this a great day to go absolutely berserk! Make this final 24 hour period memorable buy turning it into your personal Bacchanalian FunFest! Push the envelope, start an affair. Hey, people do it all the time, why worry about the consequences when time is so finite. Meet someone bizarre at an bazaar or in a seedy bar. Lease a new Mercedes Convertible and fly first class to Paris. Steaks, martinis, bonfires, shiny new guitars, fireworks, go-karts and silly string---go nuts. Go to dark places you never dared---like the crawl space---throw caution to the wind and let it blow away. Empty your bank account, hurry to the casino and stuff 100 dollar bills into slot machines. Double down at a singles bar armed with only cold hard cash and chilled French Champagne. Embrace that whack job over there you normally would run away from, give a waitress a 300% tip, drinks for everyone--you are the party! Consider what's reasonable and do the exact opposite. Let's go man. THE CLOCK IS TICKING...

HIGH TENSION RELIEF

HORROR-SCOPE (09-26-09) There's a thin line between fair and foul. Those High-Tension Towers in your area and near your property line only make COWS go insane and kill each other. There's no hard evidence that you are in danger, though the incessant low buzz drone they emit may erase your memory and your ability to procreate---oh, and your ability to reason, taste, appreciate rock and roll and tightrope walk. Be indiscreet and diplomatic at all times. The Road to Peace and Sanity is under perpetual construction---so is every road in your State. Don't fret about your financial situation, everybody is broke. Romance is in the heir. Don't trust the affluent.
TODAY'S FUN FACT: As a child, President Harry Truman was a famed silent movie star best known for his "Little Pest" film shorts.

You should see your pillow magnified!

HORROR-SCOPE (09-25-09) Uh, it's a little early for that isn't it? Wear anything BLUE today and good luck will engulf you. Plus, you'll match the sky when you're outdoors! Oddly enough, Ocean Water is NOT Blue, the Ocean Floor is Blue. Mix Blue and Red Play-Doh in your hand and the result will be a cool looking Purple ball! You'll be in a better mood once you eat. Blue is the new Orange."Welcome To Earlville" is your sign for today, wear it well. Des Moines means "The Moines" in English. Never order spaghetti at a Bait & Snack Shoppe.
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The shortest distance between two points is called a LINE.

John Tesh's new album hailed as "Scary Good!"

HORROR-SCOPE (09-24-09) COMMON SENSE RULE #7: Never retire at night with a mannequin in your bedroom. You'll wake up and the mannequin won't be where it was... Suddenly, the crash of dishes breaking, the echo of wolves howling, monks chanting, vegetables dancing, skeletons sword fighting, terrifying winds with tree branches snapping, windows flapping, high pitched cackling mixed in with other murmuring voices, maniacal laughter and scary-ass John Tesh music---then abruptly, before you can scream, more mannequins---dozens of them, running into your room and...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Snake Venom prevents cavities but will kill you first...

Even Nudist Colonies have an Elvis...

HORRORSCOPE (09-23-09) Currently, there are more Elvis Impersonators than policemen in our country, a sure sign of the coming Apocalypse. And there are more Clowns than Panda Bears but that's obvious...And why do all the Elvis Impersonators look alike but they don't look like Elvis---the E man? In other planetary news, Hershey will align with Mars to form the biggest candy company in the Solar System. A surprise is in store---which store will be for you to find. Mercury may be the smallest planet, but as an element---which is the way it prefers to reside on Earth---may kill you if it gets on your skin. Don't step on small pets...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Mountain Lion Cubs are also called "CHACKS."