HALLOWEEN is the ONLY day you don't mind answering the door.

HORROR-SCOPE (10-30-09) Wait Wait Wait, did ya hear that? Listen….ok-ok, you heard that! Oh man that’s not good----there’s pounding on your door downstairs, not just the door---the windows! the house!!! It’s Everywhere!!! My God, whose is that! What is that! Sounds like hundreds of them----They’re going to break in! Damn, they’re getting in! Quick, close the door and help me move this dresser---give me that cell phone---there’s no time!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Balboa may be credited with "discovering" the Pacific Ocean but it was actually already there---for years!

MT. PILOT MAN LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN AFTER ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS!

HORROR-SCOPE (10-28-09) Today, you share a birthday with BRUCE JENNER---whose gender reassignment surgery was a complete success! Sightings of dancing skeletons shall be more prevalent as Halloween approaches. Don't let your sheer enthusiasm for mountain climbing lead you down a slippery slope. There should be a change in the weather at some point in your area. The sale of fireworks will skyrocket next June. Never slap a Rhinoceros in your bare feet. You will be recognized at your next family reunion---sorry...

TODAY'S FUN FACT:  A Floorist is a guy who lays down tile for a living. If he has trouble doing his job, it is known today as erect-tile dysfunction...

MAN ARRESTED FOR SMUGGLING BOOKS INTO ARKANSAS!

HORRORSCOPE (10-27-09) Your tailor may try to alter your opinion to suit his needs. This is a wonderfully creative day for you, call in sick and rearrange your sock drawer! This can be a very fruitful day if you work in an orchard. To count on others just doesn't add up. A good waiter brings a lot to the table. You are the driving force behind the wheel of your car. Think twice before procrastinating. Make tentative choices without hesitation. Experienced barbers shear at a good clip and never cut corners. Enjoy yourself while boating but don't go overboard...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: A hair in your popsicle is called a "follicle."

CHECK YOUR PUMPKINS TODAY FOR ICONIC IMAGES!

HORROR-SCOPE (10-25-09) In your pumpkin patch today, you will find a pumpkin that looks similar to Jesus or possibly one of his disciples. Make sure you get photo proof and back it up on a disc before you call the liberal media. Prepare yourself for the onslaught of nutbags who will be invading your property crying, moaning, praying and stuff... Shave, shower and wear you best good clean clothes so you look decent on camera. Are you sure you want to go thru with this? Remember the wise old adage, "A warehouseman never performs a stocking feat in his stocking feet." Strap on a harness and it will give you a new leash on life and show great restraint...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Christopher Columbus landed on our shores on October 12, 1492---which just so happened to be "COLUMBUS DAY!"

Question: "How was the carnival?" Answer: "Faire"

HORRORSCOPE (10-22-09) Face the music by turning towards the speakers. Keep a close eye on the situation at hand from afar. Have a riot at the demonstration. I hope things were fine in trafiic court today. I hope your sprained ankle is swell, but I heard the carnival was fair. Keeping things simple will only complicate matters. Unless you're tired of living, never whack a leopard in the butt with a wiffle ball bat. You are allergic to rash thinking. Take the weight off your shoulders by letting others do the heavy lifting. Your shoe's untied...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The very first Microphones were simple crude vocal enhancers that were virtualy inaudible.

GRANDPA RODE A TRACTOR, JESUS RODE A RAPTOR

HORROR-SCOPE (10-18-09) This is an accident-prone day. Do not leave an open gallon of paint on top of the ladder as you fly by it blind folded on your roller skates while holding a flaming torch in one hand, a pair of scissors in the other hand, a rag dripping with gasoline in your back pocket and a butcher knife in your teeth... Living in a fantasy world will make your dreams come true. It'a a good day to chill out in the desert sun. Ferrets are not a wise choice for house pets---along with aardvarks, raptors, gibbons, cobras, panthers and pumas. You won't run out of time if you have enough clocks. Double-cross those who cross you...

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: The fattest Dinosaur was the "BLUTOSAURUS.

LAST ONE IN THE ARK IS A ROTTEN DINOSAUR EGG!

HORROR-SCOPE (10-17-09) Think twice before doing anything spontaneous. If someone makes fun of your lawn, defend your turf and stand your ground. Initiate change by using larger bills. To clear your schedule, highlight and hit delete. Let your car steer you in the right direction. A good stage manager works behind the scenes. To stay on a level playing field, keep off the mound. Share the wealth by spending other people's money. The next time someone cooks for you, return the flavor. Lie to others and be true to yourself. Chirping is for the birds...

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: The stupidest of all Dinosaurs was the "INBECILLION." It was even dumber than the "MORONOSAURUS."

DID YOU HEAR THAT? HEAR WHAT? (Door to Door Mimes)

HORROR-SCOPE (10-13-09) If you undergo transplant surgery today, you will have a change of heart. Door to door MIMES will be in your neighborhood today, but you won't hear them knock. You genuinely enjoy the company of others especially when you are home alone. Go to a butcher shop for a meat and greet. Taste everything you eat with a grain of salt. Fix up your digs by covering the holes in your story. Beating one to the punch will bring you added clout---as well as satisfying your thirst. Step up to the plate but don't eat with your hands. If you cannot say something complimentary, then disparaging, deprecating, insulting, belittling, offensive and derogatory comments will do. I'd wave but my hands are full...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: A giant prehistoric moth is called a "BEHEMOTH." The most famous one is known as "Mothra."

MICHAEL BOLTON---STILL DANGEROUS EVEN WITH SHORT HAIR!

HORROR-SCOPE (10-10-09) Michael Bolton songs can be very harmful today; play it safe by NOT listening to any of his overwrought histrionics and immediately leave any stores, offices or elevators that are soothingly and subliminally oozing his tortured tunes out of their speakers---but especially dangerous are "Bolton-ized" versions of classic Motown ballads! The understanding of the word "Celsius" requires in tens thinking. A tolerant psychiatrist has a lot of patients. Magic is an illusion. Put a bookmark in your feelings so you know where you left off. Reverse your past by moving forward. Think small, dream big, never hire a medium and order a jumbo hot dog---without ketchup!!!
TODAY'S FUN FACT: You can't measure a live snake.

Beehive Hairdo back in fashion! The Apatosaurus was purple!

HORRORSCOPE (10-08-09) You have a dedicated passion to eagerly pursue enthusiasm with a zealous fervor! If you feel that the Earth sucks, it's most likely just gravity pulling. Wash your new pants before you wear them---Remember, good jeans come to those who fade. Good shapes come to those who lathe. Tub rings come to those who bathe. Good strings strum to those who play. Good weaves come to those who braid. Good links come to those who chain. Good swings come to those who sway. Good rinks come to those who skate. Good tips come to those who wait. Good fees come to those who rate. Spending money frivolously will affect your value system. You may be allergic to bees if you break out in hives...

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: SAUROPODS, which includes, among others, the APATOSAURUS (formerly known as The Brontosaurus) and the BRACHIOSAURUS, are now believed to have been purple in color, and communicated by utilizing a high-pitched bark!

GODZILLA CHOMPS ON A LIONEL TRAIN AFTER WREAKING HAVOC AT A TOKYO TOY STORE!

HORROR-SCOPE (10-07-09) You are in a groove, so set the record straight, play it forward, keep your needle to the grindstone and stay on track. Listen to yourself but wear headphones. The fastest animal in the world is the Cheater, but it never wins the race. The fruit falls mainly from the tree. Buy the skillet before the eggs hatch. You must break out of your shell before you can leave the nest. Love is the glue that will keep you together, but it may wash off. Dress down and look your best---but please---never go shopping wearing sweatpants! Remember, inspired inspiration is your insightful incentive to spur on the driving force of motivation. Elevate your situation and move to the mountains.

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: The largest Dinosaur ever unearthed is called the "Godzillasaurus." Discovered in Tokyo in 1954, the Godzillasaurus or "Godzilla" as it is nicknamed, stood well over 200 feet tall, weighed over 50,000 tons, breathed fire, and had a deafening metallic sounding roar. Godzilla was aquatic and terrestrial, very strong and dexterous---and even learned a prehistoric version of the martial arts. Godzilla is the only Dinosaur that has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

ALL DOLLED UP FOR THE ANTIQUE SHOW

HORRORSCOPE (10-04-09) The Moons of ZorbaTugg are partially hidden today which means---Never ever trust Antique Dolls! The older and the creepier they are, the more dangerous. They don't necessarily look human but they also DO in a way, don't they? Even if these porcelain vessels of wickedness are perched in a locked glass case, you are still not safe, for their evil knows no boundaries...And if you snap a photo of them with their eyes looking away, you will notice when downloading the photo, at least one doll will be looking directly at YOU---the camera---thus proving they actually are alive. You can also forget about putting one of them in a vice and sawing its head off---it didn't work in a old Twilight Zone episode and it surely won't work in real life. Your only obvious choices are to, move out of the country, turn off the Sci-Fi channel, or burn your house down with the dolls in it---but if you go with the last choice, don't be surprised if they escape---charred and burning mad!!!

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Initially, there were 29 letters in the alphabet but the other 3 letters didn't spell anything and were dropped in 1527 by King Riley III.

TRANSMISSION FROM SPACE THOUGHT TO BE MANUAL

HORRORSCOPE (10-02-09) The Moon is in your back pocket today; wear it well. You are magnetic so avoid steel shavings. Reach for the high notes in a low key way. You're ready to tackle disputes if you're wearing a helmet. Another wayward wrench from the Space Station was hurdling towards Earth but upon entering our atmosphere, vanished into thin air. Close call. You're an easy going hopeless romantic, which makes it so darn easy for you to get stepped on, trampled on, chewed up and spat out. Sit back and relax but be on your toes and everything will be copacetic---I'm not sure what it means either but I recall taking two teaspoons of it every time I was sick as a kid and hated the taste...

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: The smallest Dinosaurs were called "Shrimptons." These tiny marsh dwellers measured only 2 inches long and were boneless.

MARS NEEDS GUITARS---BUT NOT YOU!

HORROR-SCOPE (10-01-09) In you live in a remote area and are abducted (again) by Aliens and transported to Mars, STAY IN THE SHIP! With its 0.13% Gravity and 95% carbon dioxide and surface temperatures as low as -200 Fahrenheit, the thin atmosphere of our distant Spherical Reddish Friend will suck the life right out of you---almost like listening to a Michael Bolton album! If you do foolishly decide to explore the windy dusty barren landscape, for Heaven's sake--wear a nice warm coat, SCBA (self-contained breathing apparatus) and sensible shoes. And for the love of PeteBob, don't do the "Moonwalk joke" for the Martians, they've seen it a million times since 1983 and are not impressed. In fact, many indigenous Martians are unhappy with Earthlings (or "Hayseeds" as they mockingly refer to us) continually being abducted and brought to their planet only to be probed, photographed, cloned and then dropped back off on one of our lonely backwoods country roads. Some Martians have even started protesting, but since we are the only other inhabitants in the Galaxy discovered so far, we're the only choice they have---though they wonder in amazement how such "Empty Vessels" managed to land on the "Little Orb" a few times back in the '70's.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: A Martian year is 687 Earth days---which explains why Martians look so good for their age...