Velvet Clown Paintings make great Wedding gifts...

HORROR-SCOPE (09-30-09) You have the imaginary rings of Saturn in your orbit today---which means, it's a great day to go backpacking in the Alaskan wilderness. Keep in mind it's almost October, so beware of cute starving bears. All bears---whether Grizzly, Polar, Bi-Polar, Brown---no matter, because to them, you look like a huge walking Rib-Eye! Also important: Try to avoid any Meth labs you may encounter as Alaska is the frozen meth lab capital of the world. Hey---Hey---Did that Velvet Clown painting on your wall just move? Are you sure? No, not the whole thing, just the eyes...look again, if you dare...Don't try to dispose of it in the trash either; the next morning it'll be hanging on your wall again---only this time, it won't be smiling...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The sticky side of tape is known in the scientific community as the adhesive side.

A NEW DAY DAWNS (oops)

HORROR-SCOPE (09-29-09) Well, it looks like checkout time at the Hotel of Life is extended---seems I was wrong about the world ending yesterday. This is what the Moons and Stars spoke to me---guess I heard the signs wrong. Sorry. I hope you didn't do anything rash just because I said to "go nuts" yesterday---I was caught up in the moment... After such a stress filled day thinking that life was over, you deserve an easy one. Put your feet up today and let others do the legwork. Hard work is overrated anyway, right? You may prefer to work with your head rather than your hands, but let's be practical. You are a walking greatest hits compilation with a one track mind. Listen when wiser people talk, take notes, and use those words as your own to impress those younger than you. Promotion to a higher level is very much a possibility for you in the near future---manager, junior executive assistant to the regional vice-president, dictator, coin club trustee, mess hall sergeant---any of these are within your grasp. Reach for the sky but stay out of trees...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: A Slinky will not work on the Moon.

THE END IS NEAR (Sorry)

HORROR-SCOPE (09-27-09) Today is your last day on Earth. The clashing Moons in the Diatycht Galaxy predetermines that tomorrow is possibly the end of the world---which makes this a great day to go absolutely berserk! Make this final 24 hour period memorable buy turning it into your personal Bacchanalian FunFest! Push the envelope, start an affair. Hey, people do it all the time, why worry about the consequences when time is so finite. Meet someone bizarre at an bazaar or in a seedy bar. Lease a new Mercedes Convertible and fly first class to Paris. Steaks, martinis, bonfires, shiny new guitars, fireworks, go-karts and silly string---go nuts. Go to dark places you never dared---like the crawl space---throw caution to the wind and let it blow away. Empty your bank account, hurry to the casino and stuff 100 dollar bills into slot machines. Double down at a singles bar armed with only cold hard cash and chilled French Champagne. Embrace that whack job over there you normally would run away from, give a waitress a 300% tip, drinks for everyone--you are the party! Consider what's reasonable and do the exact opposite. Let's go man. THE CLOCK IS TICKING...

HIGH TENSION RELIEF

HORROR-SCOPE (09-26-09) There's a thin line between fair and foul. Those High-Tension Towers in your area and near your property line only make COWS go insane and kill each other. There's no hard evidence that you are in danger, though the incessant low buzz drone they emit may erase your memory and your ability to procreate---oh, and your ability to reason, taste, appreciate rock and roll and tightrope walk. Be indiscreet and diplomatic at all times. The Road to Peace and Sanity is under perpetual construction---so is every road in your State. Don't fret about your financial situation, everybody is broke. Romance is in the heir. Don't trust the affluent.
TODAY'S FUN FACT: As a child, President Harry Truman was a famed silent movie star best known for his "Little Pest" film shorts.

You should see your pillow magnified!

HORROR-SCOPE (09-25-09) Uh, it's a little early for that isn't it? Wear anything BLUE today and good luck will engulf you. Plus, you'll match the sky when you're outdoors! Oddly enough, Ocean Water is NOT Blue, the Ocean Floor is Blue. Mix Blue and Red Play-Doh in your hand and the result will be a cool looking Purple ball! You'll be in a better mood once you eat. Blue is the new Orange."Welcome To Earlville" is your sign for today, wear it well. Des Moines means "The Moines" in English. Never order spaghetti at a Bait & Snack Shoppe.
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The shortest distance between two points is called a LINE.

John Tesh's new album hailed as "Scary Good!"

HORROR-SCOPE (09-24-09) COMMON SENSE RULE #7: Never retire at night with a mannequin in your bedroom. You'll wake up and the mannequin won't be where it was... Suddenly, the crash of dishes breaking, the echo of wolves howling, monks chanting, vegetables dancing, skeletons sword fighting, terrifying winds with tree branches snapping, windows flapping, high pitched cackling mixed in with other murmuring voices, maniacal laughter and scary-ass John Tesh music---then abruptly, before you can scream, more mannequins---dozens of them, running into your room and...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Snake Venom prevents cavities but will kill you first...

Even Nudist Colonies have an Elvis...

HORRORSCOPE (09-23-09) Currently, there are more Elvis Impersonators than policemen in our country, a sure sign of the coming Apocalypse. And there are more Clowns than Panda Bears but that's obvious...And why do all the Elvis Impersonators look alike but they don't look like Elvis---the E man? In other planetary news, Hershey will align with Mars to form the biggest candy company in the Solar System. A surprise is in store---which store will be for you to find. Mercury may be the smallest planet, but as an element---which is the way it prefers to reside on Earth---may kill you if it gets on your skin. Don't step on small pets...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Mountain Lion Cubs are also called "CHACKS."

SHOW HIM THIS PICTURE WHEN HE'S 40!

HORROR-SCOPE (09-22-09) Patience is a virtue. Liberty is a statue. Limitations are a statute. Fear not home repairs though you may find drilling to be a bit boring. Don't forget your X26 TASER today, you'll need it. Treat others with dignity and respect. Cut in line when in a hurry. Park in a handicapped spot and limp into the grocery store. Lay on your horn if the car in front doesn't take off instantly after the light turns green. If a patron at the post office is screaming into his cell phone, grab it and throw it across the street. You are currently in a gentle cycle. Wash in cold water, tumble dry low...
Today's Fun Fact: Christopher Columbus eventually retired in Ohio.

I FEEL THE EARTH MOVE UNDER HER FEET...

HORRORSCOPE (09-21-09) The Autumnal Equinox starts in certain areas only---check your local listings. All signs alert: Uranus is your ruler but is directly opposed by Urethra. You will be irritated very easily today, leave the gun at home. Perhaps binge drinking is not the best idea you've had lately... Avoid domestic strife by locking yourself in a closet. You have a future in Anger Management but it doesn't pay well. Setting your clock every night doesn't make you an alarmist. Being single means you never have to tuck in your T-shirt ever again...
Today's Fun Fact: The miracle of silly putty can never really be explained.

Will a Blacklight work on the Moon?

HORRORSCOPE (09-20-09) Because the gravity of Zooton polarizes every third Saturday, temperatures will be moderate on the South Pole of the Moon today and reach a high of 390 degrees below zero. In your neck of the nape, there is a 50% chance of precipitation or not depending on your area. Peanuts, besides being a classic comic strip, are loaded with nutrients such as Nitrogen, Borax, Puce, Aluminum Hydrox Circonium and Xynznyxx. In a nutshell, peanuts are your friends---they're good for you. Don't make waves unless you're in the water... TODAY'S FUN FACT: The diameter of the Earth is the same as the distance around the Equator.

"Ma, come quick---there's another UFO out back!

HORRORSCOPE (09-19-09) You may run into problems if you are a mathematician. Relieve stress by shooting off your mouth at a fireworks show. The Moon is in Leo---but tell anybody. The result may be a traumatic increase in UFO sightings, especially if you're a single unemployed still lives at Mom's 40ish Super-Hero Memorabilia collecting virgin white guy who frequently calls in to late night radio talk shows that deals in the paranormal and other silliness, but never gets photo proof because the battery on his digital camera isn't charged---again. Allergies are nothing to sneeze at...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The Wright Brothers were afraid of automobiles and never drove.

Drilling for oil with a Gibson Rig on the banks of the Hanrahan

HORROR-SCOPE (09-18-09) There's a good chance that oil is flowing deep in your property. Do not be afraid to dig. If not oil, trace amounts of silver and gold are also a possibility. Ignore the mockery of thy neighbors as you excavate and tear up your land. Your final laugh shall resonate throughout the neighborhood. The silence is deafening. Refrigeration not necessary. Address matters honestly, otherwise mail will be returned to you. Say "TOYBOAT" 10 times really fast...
Today's Fun Fact: The opposite of oil is water.

Puppets can't be trusted...

HORRORSCOPE (09-17-09) Not being a Leap year, Thanksgiving is on a Thursday this year. Look for crop circles in your backyard garden. Money is likely to come your way if you have a job. Consider working with puppets but don't be a dummy and let them string you along. Saturn and Uranus are in opposition of each other---and you're complaining? Magnets will not work on the Equator. For the same reason, Magnates will not work in Ecuador. Reason #7 to despise mimes: Deaf people think mimes are making fun of them.
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The smartest Dinosaur was the Thesaurus.

2009 Carnival Gals Centerfold Calendar!

HORRORSCOPE (09-16-09) With Summer's upon us, today's a good day to conquer your fear of small town travelling carnivals, even though you think they are employed by poorly educated chain smoking wife beating filthy bathe-free swearing ex-con social misfits with periodontal maladies and are a haven for communicable diseases, petty crime, weak language skills and second hand smoke. While true, you shouldn't judge... Suck it up and ride the rusty Tilt-A-Whirl, the creaky Roller Coaster, the Whiplash with the blaring 70's soundtrack, visit the "Tats Tent," eat a nasty Sno-Cone, ignore the flies swarming the Cotton Candy Machine and waste hard earned money on the rigged games and end up with a straw hat, and a small stuffed animal of some unknown breed---you'll feel about yourself!
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Elephants never stampede alone...

HORROR HAYRIDE (Phil sports an Ostrich egg nest)

HORRORSCOPE (09-15-09) If you had your fill of specters after yesterday's barrage of apparitional presence, please note that September 15th is generally known in Amish lore as the "Holiday of thy Ghosts." So you have that going for you (go ahead say it) If you're a reelist, that means you're a fisherman. Summer's almost over---your right to bare arms (and legs unfortunately) is nearing an end. To be outstanding in your field, you must live on a farm. Recycle, especially if you fall off of your bike. Now is the optimal time to be an optimist. You had more hair yesterday---just look at your pillow... TODAY'S FUN FACT: No two penguins are alike.

GHOST WRITERS IN DISGUISE

HORRORSCOPE (09-14-09) Stirring up Ghosts is never something you intentionally want to do. If you're noticing a sudden incursion of ghosts dancing in your inner-space---DO NOT blast any Jimi Hendrix music. Ghosts love Hendrix---I kid you not. The studio stuff. The live stuff---any Hendrix, they go nuts. The only remedy, if you have the constitution, is to run to your local library and take out an Andy Williams CD. Turn up Andy belting out his stellar version of "Michelle" and the ghosts will vaporize instantly like the sun burning away the fog... You need not play any more of the red sweater-ed crooner's tunes than is needed... TODAY'S FUN FACT: A nine sided snowflake is called an ARAX.

Garth Image a hoax!

HORRORSCOPE (09-13-09) Prime numbers are your friend today but use them at your discretion. Look for signs in the clouds and in a bowl of Cheerios. If you find a Dorito shaped like an upside-down triangle, sell it on eBay. Now is the time to settle the beef with your vegan relative. If a slice of your frozen pizza has the image of Garth Brooks, it's not a miracle. Postpone your promise not to procrastinate any more. Today will be a decent hair day...
Today's Fun Fact: You cannot light a fire on the Moon, it's too windy.

Is there a Butcher Shop in Beecher, IL?

HORRORSCOPE (09-12-09) With Mars in your sign today, consider opening a candy store---success is a long shot but the odds are in your flavor. An opportunity to become a butcher may not be the answer once you realize what it entrails... Purchase a bus ticket but get everything in riding. You want a change but not something different. Good things will fall in your lap today, stay away from strip joints. Bread making is on the rise...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: There are over 18.3 miles of veins in one adult 6 foot male.

RUSSIANS MAKE FIRST ZUCCHINI AUTOMOBILE!

HORROR-SCOPE (09-11-09) Large Zucchini may look menacing but as a rule, are harmless. The key is not to antagonize and never act afraid around them and you'll be fine. They smell fear though---so watch it... It may be a vegetable but a zucchini is NOT stupid. Eggplant is passive, no caution is necessary. Help is right around the corner providing you stop walking in circles. You're not wearing that shirt with those pants today are you?
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Red Cabbage gets its violet hue from food coloring.

New Celine Dion album comes with Gregorian Fire Suit!

HORRORSCOPE (09-10-09) Warning: The scary endless Celine Dion version of the old Eric Carmen song, "ALL BY MYSELF," may cause you to burst into flames as she reaches the 4th octave in the last agonizing verse. An ice bath and some de-lousing creme are necessary even if you are subject to just one stanza. The Gregorian Chant version, though usually safe, is also to be at risk. As a precaution, please stay out of the following stores today: The Shoe Attic, Shoe Shed, Shoe Mart, The Shoe Club, The Shoe Market, The Shoe Closet, Shoes Inc, The Shoe Junkie, The Shoe Fetish and Whole Shoes...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The Male Human Ear starts growing again at the age of 62.

Tomato voted most evil vegetable!

HORRORSCOPE (9-9-9) Today is 09-09-09. Just like it was on September 9, 1909. Except they didn't have Internet then. In planetary news, Jupiter tried to align with Mars but Mercury caught wind of it and the plans for peace to guide the planets were thwarted... Tomato is a vegetable today---even in salads. The salads are fine. Sunspots may just be dirty sunglasses. The Moon won't come out tonight, it is being stubborn. Hot air ballooning over Mt. St. Helen's is not such a good idea...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The first known flashlight was a jar of lightning bugs.

Indiana Amusement Park opens the first Monkey-Go-Round!

HORRORSCOPE (09-08-09) A slow day in the Heavens. As your Asstrologymystyk, I will tell you to check your shoes for scorpions, but never underestimate mites, roaches, trilobites, spiders or morels. Para sailing in a hurricane probably not such a good idea today. Finish all your peas and you'll know the cues. If you live in an area where wild swinging squawking crazy monkeys roam wild, wear a hard hat...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: No mushrooms are poisonous until you eat them.

Actor Rob Lowe poses with Hollywood wax legends!

HORRORSCOPE (09-07-09) Stay away from Wax Museums today for EVIL lurks in their unblinking eyes. Come to think of it, why would you want to go to a creepy Wax Museum anyway? Not all Balloons are full of hot air, the opposite is true of Jovian Planets. Work hard at change and be diligent in your endeavors. Perhaps a new career is the answer? Let your boss see you show interest in your job and you will be rewarded. A vacation with friends would be very beneficial. Stay home to insure safety. And stay out of Wax Museums...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: It is still up for debate what human hair is actually made of.

Ron Cheggers, Mayor of Clowntown, IL

HORRORSCOPE (09-06-09) Chances are, if you can read this, you survived yesterday's rain of Space Debris---turns out it was a kidney bean made out of medal... Clown Season is ending, thus you will see an unusual amount of Clowns today. Clowns in small cars, Church picnics, at stoplights handing out nickels, carnivals, casinos, AA meetings and Clown Conventions. Listen to others, trust only yourself. Singing the days of the week in Spanish is the easiest and most effective way of remembering them. Refrigerate after opening. White clothing will be illegal by Tuesday... TODAY'S FUN FACT: 92.4 % of kids are afraid of Clowns.

Ship from Flash Gordon Show crashes to Earth after 70 years!

HORRORSCOPE (09-05-09) The chances of being hit by Space Debris increases tenfold from 1400 to 1600 today (2:00pm--4:00pm) especially for those living in rural areas or out in the country. Duck and cover, allow 5 minutes to cool... Juggling can be addictive. You are sitting in a good position to stand up for yourself. Nice shoes, where did you get those? Stay out of Lion cages today especially if you're wearing a meat suit. Venus isn't talking to Mercury today...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The Milky Way is just Space Dust.

Who's that guy in your car?

HORRORSCOPE (09-04-09) The man hiding in the backseat of your car is an escaped mental patient. He's still sleeping, so you're safe for now---Wait---I thought I heard a car door creak open... If you're in the house, run out the back door NOW and to the neighbor's house--Hurry! The dollar bills in your wallet have trace amounts of cocaine, but not enough to get you high or bring you trouble. You are bursting with creative energy. A nap will do you good. You dropped something...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Early Humans had a "gullet" to aid in the digestion of bark.

Skulls can't move on their own, right? Right???

HORRORSCOPE (09-03-09) That glow-in-the-dark-Fluorescent Skull that's perched on the dresser in your spare bedroom is not moving when you walk by it at night---it just seems that way...How did that thing get there anyway??? Chances are you'll see clouds in the sky today in your area. Learn a language of your choice by Friday. Leave a liar to his lair as he leaves no footprints...Just because the masses are laughing at Dane Cook doesn't mean he is funny, look at Larry the Cable Guy! Change shampoos...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The earliest of cavemen were only 9 inches tall, but were very swift runners.

One chute won't do---you need a parachute...

HORRORSCOPE (09-02-09) That knocking on your door isn't going away is it? You'll hear eerie laughter coming through the vents while you try to sleep tonight. Don't panic, it's just the relatively harmless basement spirits having their jollies, they'll probably be gone by morning... The middle of the week is drawing nearer---nearer to thee it shall be. Take up skydiving but wear a shirt. Threaten to quit your job unless you get a ridiculous wage increase. Today, you share a birthday with Keanu Reeves. Sorry...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The TWO most edible parts of an onion are the Bulb and the Stem.

Sorry, we don't accept large bills...

HORROR-SCOPE (09-01-09) NEVER pick up the phone until the third ring, anything less will be BAD luck today---unless you wear those ugly brown shoes you put away last week... See that 100 dollar bill in the middle of the street? Ignore it, there's no way that is a real Benjamin. Too much of a good thing always leaves one wanting less. Pythagorus was an idiot. St. Francis was a liar. John Davidson was a singer. Consider Iowa...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The most nutritious part of the egg is the shell.

Must be skeletons in the closet...

HORROR-SCOPE (08-31-09) Wait---did you hear that? Never mind, I'm sure it was nothing. You know how it is at night---every sound is amplified 10 times---especially creaky scary sounds like that. Hey, didn't you wear those socks yesterday? Not a single cloud in the sky today---a good day NOT to stare at the sun. Never "baby talk" to a Bear, they are not your buddies...
Today's Fun Fact: The Rings of Saturn are imaginary.

They only come out at night...

HORRORSCOPE (08-30-09) Turn off the stupid nights lights---what are you, six years old? Monsters are just as afraid of the dark as you are! HA HA HA HA---you didn't buy that malarkey did you? Are you kidding me, Monsters THRIVE on the dark!!! If you Text today while driving, don't be surprised if you end up wearing a TREE! Avoid the color ROJO until 2:30pm. The taller the tree the closer the sky. Hoy es Domingo...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Dinosaurs communicated by emitting a high-pitched bark.

Dummies love to watch old Twilight Zone episodes.

HORROR-SCOPE (08-29-09) You are slowly falling from a building---but don't worry, you are ASLEEP, and when you land in Freshman year Gym class and everybody's pointing and laughing at you because of your shortcomings, simply pinch yourself very hard and you should wake up. There's a very good chance today you will see a Ventriloquist Dummy driving a Volvo---just back away slowly and look before you leap, leak before you loop and lock before you load. Walk tall but watch for midgets...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Magellan was a dwarf.

HORROR-SCOPE LOG BLOG LOG

HORROR-SCOPE (08-28-09) Did you have TWO kidneys when you went to bed last night? Well, you may want to check and do a kidney count. The Harvesting of Organs is becoming VERY lucrative in the Black Market and their sly, cunning yet surreptitious means of obtaining these are getting better and better. Don't look at the bright side, it's not good for your eyes. Never lend money to a relative...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: Human hair is a neutral color until it hits the atmosphere.

Try "URBAN MIST" by Chanel...

HORROR-SCOPE (08-27-09) I loathe to tell you this but you swallowed FOUR Spiders last night whilst sleeping! OK OK, I'm just kidding, but it WAS some kind of arthropods---not necessarily spiders---geez, spiders---that would suck. That whole "swallow spiders when you sleep" thing is just another silly Urban Myth like giant alligators roaming the New Lenox Sewer System, or Alien Abduction or Scientology. Today, winds will be omni-directional in the early morning and turning against the tide in the afternoon...
TODAY'S FUN FACT Lions are afraid of mice.

Who's been sleeping under my bed?

HORROR-SCOPE (August 26, 2009) Don't let your feet dangle over the bed---Monsters are grabby today. The sounds emitting from the basement are best ignored, get out of the house quickly and quietly. The chance of blinding rain increases to 43% later in the afternoon. Flood Warnings very possible. Good Things Come To Those Who Wade....
TODAY'S FUN FACT: In the Victorian Era, a Hooligan was also known as a Sniggphant or a Spraddle-Marm.