Happy 2010 from The AcoustiBobs!!!

YES IT CERTAINLY DOES!

Nothing like an Outdoor Concert in the Winter!!!

They were the METALLICA of their day!

HORRORSCOPE (12-17-09) Do unto yourself as you’d have them unto you. Ride to the 99th floor to elevate your self-esteem. Never decide until you make up your mind. Your mind is not focused on your work right now---hopefully you’re not an airline pilot…

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Neanderthral vegetarians starved to death...

My favorite Michael Bolton Album Today (hard to narrow it down)

Looks so good---think I'll leave it up all year...

Talentless Asswipes Win Grammy! (insert date of choice here)

HORRORSCOPE (12-12-09) There's only 1104 more days until the end of the world as we know it. And here I always thought the end of the world was when Milli Vanilli won the Grammy for Best New Artist in 1990...

BEFORE I COULD AFFORD A GUITAR STRAP!

THIRD MEETING OF THE INTERNATIONAL HAT CLUB FOR MEN (1933)

SURE LOOKS NICE FROM THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW...

HORRORSCOPE (12-10-09) If you live in the greater Chicagoland area, you may consider staying indoors until April 23rd. Historically on this date, the temperatures average a range of 54 to 56 degrees in the Northern Illinois province. At this time, the chances of lingering snow in your driveway hits a normal low of 1%. This will be a perfect opportunity for you to venture outdoors, get some supplies and retrieve your mail...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Snow has been radioactive since 1945 and should never be ingested.

Stuck by the woods on a snowy evening...

HORRORSCOPE (12-09-09) If you wait long enough before you shovel the snow from your driveway, chances are it will eventually melt. Don't let sitting down stand in your way. Today, Mercury will be hiding behind Venus and Mars, but don't tell Pluto or Donald Duck. Bring your life into focus by wearing your glasses.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The temperature of our Sun is well over one thousand degrees!

Sphinxter the Sphinx and his Santa Hat!

HORRORSCOPE (12-07-09) There's 383 days left until Christmas 2010 and already the stores have Christmas decorations displayed! History is a thing of the past. Speaking of bad Christmas gifts, an "Etch a Sketch" is for people who long to draw like they've been lobotomized...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Driving automobiles on frozen lakes is legal in Minnesota.

Binge Drinking and Skydiving outlawed in most states!

HORRORSCOPE (12-05-09) Change is in the air but you could use dollar bills more. Avoid arguments that can lead to disagreements. Pull your act together but don't be pushy. Today is Repeal Day. On December 5, 1933---the 21st Amendment was ratified, prohibition ended and Americans once again had the right to a celebratory libation or three or thirty...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The FAA has determined that binge drinking and skydiving can be a lethal combination...

If the Aunt Jemymah Ruins predict our demise, perhaps I will buy a new car in 2012.

HORRORSCOPE (12-03-09) Today is December 3rd---the 337 day of the year if you're a chanting Gregorian. That means there's only 28 days left in the year, which divided by four equals 7, which is the amount of days in a week and a prime number! Amazing stuff. Mathematicians are the best problem solvers. If the world ends in the movie "2012," then we should be spared a sequel? I haven't seen it...


TODAY'S FUN FACT: Siamese twins feel a strong attachment to one another...

Reports indicate that Christmas Shopping deteriorates your mental stability!

HORRORSCOPE (11-30-09) Live it up today---fly to another country for breakfast, then sail back home on a homemade raft. If you think you still love humanity, do me a favor and go Christmas shopping---then get back to me...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The Cavemen who discovered fire were in fear of it, while the young Cave Children were fascinated with fire and often played with it.

Elvis Impersonator abducted by aliens on a rural country backroad!!!

HORRORSCOPE (11-29-09) Try canning as a hobby but keep a lid on it. When pushed into a corner, circle your enemies. Stay away from wide open rural areas and isolated country roads today, as the chances of "human hunting" alien craft sightings will increase as the evening approaches---Elvis impersonators are especially at risk...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The first alien abduction occurred in 1961. Once the made for TV movie about that event aired in 1975, humans were being abducted by aliens at an alarming rate, especially during rerun season...

Frazier the Turkey's diet was one person a day!

HORRORSCOPE (11-26-09) Surprise company might pop by your place today---surprise them by not being home. Dysfunction is NOT unique to your family. Eat until you lose consciousness. Follow your hunch but sit up straight. A "New York minute" is 44 seconds long.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Frazier, the world's largest turkey, was 27 feet tall, 13 feet wide and weighed 2,036 pounds! It fed the entire town of Fourhead, Iowa on Thanksgiving in 1967.

Plenty of room for you---at the Skeleton Hotel!

HORRORSCOPE (11-22-09) A printing press is a possible money making venture. Furnaces are full of hot air. Droughts may inhibit cash flow. I would still bet the farm that the Nigerian Prince emailing you for money in exchange for bigger money, is a fraud---just a hunch. Drop aplomb with assurance. Careful as to not cause a sore...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The famous "Catacombs of Chlamydiah" date back to the 2nd Century but were only discovered in 1900!

Rare Photo of Jesus and his pet Dinosaur, Hymie!

HORRORSCOPE (11-21-09) Make a dog your pet project. Travel is the best way to get somewhere else. Isolation is more effective by yourself behind closed doors. You are prone to make sudden changes that concerns your livelihood, don’t take this lying down. Plan a schedule for your next agenda.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Jesus had a pet dinosaur named Hymie.

HAPPY "PET A PANTHER" DAY!

HORRORSCOPE (11-20-09) As you know, in most areas of the country, today is "Pet a Panther Day." Take your time while making an impulsive decision. Take stock of your soup recipes. Tomorrow will be today's past and yesterday's future. If you feel you can't make it to the finish line, turn back at the half-way mark. Don’t be a heal and send money to a TV evangelist...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: "Pet a Panther Day" was started by President Theodore Roosevelt and declared a "National Day of Observance" on November 20th, 1908.

HORRORSCOPE (11-20-09) Take your time while making an impulsive decision. Take stock of your soup recipes. In some areas, today is "Pet a Panther" day. Tomorrow will be today's past and yesterday's future. If you feel prankish today, do not take paint balls to work. If you feel you can't make it to the finish line, turn back at the half-way mark...


TODAY'S FUN FACT:

White Men, along with badminton, invent another safe sport to excel in...

HORRORSCOPE (11-19-09)  You need to get to the bottom of things---but stay away from wells. Negative thinking is rampant among photographers who lose focus. When you’re left with your own devices, have plenty of remotes. Newspapers are black and white and read all over. You can be very productive today in creative areas---find out where they are and move there.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Wiffle Ball was an Olympic event---but only once, at the 1964 Summer games in Tokyo.

Proof that Einstein once taught at a Catholic Grade School!

HORROR-SCOPE (11-16-09) Never throw in the towel unless doing laundry. Never jump to conclusions without proper footwear. You tend to be a loner when not around others. Drummers will play an important roll in your life. Pull your weight but don’t be pushy. Healing cures all wounds. Brine cures all ham.


TODAY'S FUN FACT: In accordance with the Gregorian calendar, THANKSGIVING is on a Thursday this year---and as a result, CHRISTMAS will fall on the 25Th of December!

GIRL SURVIVES BACKYARD TIGHTROPE ACCIDENT!

HORRORSCOPE (11-15-09) Open your heart and it will bleed. Alert ballet dancers are always on their toes. Bale the hay yourself and save a bundle. Speak up while sitting down. Tying off your boat properly when win your pier's respect. Plumbing problems will sink you and drain your savings--beware. Enjoy the company of people who agree with everything you say. Monkeys don't really enjoy dressing in suits and smoking cigars.


TODAY'S FUN FACT:  98% of tightrope walkers are killed on the job...

eCONOMY AFFECTING THE WIG INDUSTRY AS MORE MEN ADOPT THE "COMB-OVER!"

HORRORSCOPE (11-13-09) Friday the 13th is considered by some to be a bad luck day, but you're too smart for that rubbish aren't you? That said, consider staying indoors today with the curtains drawn, the windows shut and the doors locked as nothing good is out there for you on this dark day. Be fierce in your subtlety. The next time you take it to another level, use an elevator. Don't answer that---it's just another door-to-door door salesman. Lay down your arms and the legs will follow.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: There are two kinds of people in the world:
1. Those who hate being Bald
2. Those who claim it doesn’t bother them

"Mom, can we go to Sears---I need a new lizard?" (boy, 1964)

HORRORSCOPE (11-12-09) If a Nigerian Prince tries to hand you "free" Carrot Top tickets today, don't fall for it! Eat more citrus outdoors and bask in the limelight. Avoid needless disputes with co-workers or customers unless they say something stupid. Grazing cows often chew the scenery. In the distant future, focus on the here and now. Putting your head together with someone else works wonders unless you’re a conjoined twin.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: In 1969 at your local Sears you could buy a chemistry set, a wedding dress, fresh flowers, a Spider Monkey, a hunting knife, a new set of tires and have them installed, a robot, a turtle that would live for 9 days, a "Ted Williams" rifle, fertilizer, fish for your aquarium, a paisley shirt, poison, a garden tractor, a fur coat, a hot dog and fries and have a shoe salesman in a white shirt and tie fine shoes for you that fit. (They stopped selling homes in 1940)

TOO MANY PEOPLE TAKE ROCK FORMATIONS FOR GRANITE

HORROR-SCOPE (11-11-09) Marching drummers are extremely upbeat. Some realtors have a lot to offer. All hills have a downside. Try hot-air ballooning but don’t get carried away. Pilots have their heads in the clouds. When in doubt, eat more cake. Road construction paves the way for others to follow. Martinis deserve a fair shake.

TODAY’S FUN FACT: Carrots get their color from “Oxygen.”

MAN GOES BERSERK OPENING PACKAGE, SAWS OFF THREE FINGERS!

HORROR-SCOPE (11-07-09) Reduce overhead by wearing a smaller hat. Bathing makes good scents. The chances of renegade flying monkeys stealing babies from your arms increases today as the sun settles in the west---beware. A good hammer will fix anything. Many of you will notice subtle changes in the next few years---changes in style, your looks, your finances, maybe even your entire life’s situation. Tomorrow's a good day to procrastinate---or the next day—or the day after that. In a roundabout way, square off with your inner circle. In a scary voice, ask telemarketers for their home phone number and address...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Please take comfort in the fact that EVERYONE has the same trouble as you do opening CD and DVD packaging---this is NOT a mental deficiency issue---but "blister packaging" requires dynamite...

"OK, I'LL GET IN, BUT I WANT MY OWN ROOM!" (Noah's son Denis)

HORRORSCOPE (11-04-09) There should be a change of weather at some point in your area. Protect your home and assets with a motion-detecting vaporizing radioactive laser fence. A bizarre yoga accident may leave you in an awkward position. If you had the talent and personality, you could impress others with your humor. Write short stories in longhand. Carefully selected choices should be randomly chosen. Who was in charge of getting the Tarantulas, Cobras, Saber Tooth Tigers, and Rhinos onto the Ark? I certainly would've been too busy "looking for more sealant for the gaps" or something...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Sweatpants were actually invented to be worn INDOORS...

IMMIGRANT BREAKS INTO SUBURBAN HOME, DUSTS, VACUUMS AND LEAVES!

HORROR-SCOPE (11-02-09) Watch out for illegal aliens today landing in your neighborhood, mowing your lawn and then flying back home! Avoid piloting small aircraft without first taking lessons. Employees at a Weighing Machine factory work for scale. Horses are stable animals. Coffee beans should be part of your daily grind. Drink premium vodka to be full of good spirits. Romancing with someone wealthy will enrich your life. The United States Citizenship exam should have no fewer than THREE “Rock and Roll” questions that must be correct.


TODAY’S FUN FACT: A diamond will not dissolve in acid. Intense heat is the only thing that can destroy it---that, and divorce…

HALLOWEEN is the ONLY day you don't mind answering the door.

HORROR-SCOPE (10-30-09) Wait Wait Wait, did ya hear that? Listen….ok-ok, you heard that! Oh man that’s not good----there’s pounding on your door downstairs, not just the door---the windows! the house!!! It’s Everywhere!!! My God, whose is that! What is that! Sounds like hundreds of them----They’re going to break in! Damn, they’re getting in! Quick, close the door and help me move this dresser---give me that cell phone---there’s no time!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Balboa may be credited with "discovering" the Pacific Ocean but it was actually already there---for years!

MT. PILOT MAN LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN AFTER ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS!

HORROR-SCOPE (10-28-09) Today, you share a birthday with BRUCE JENNER---whose gender reassignment surgery was a complete success! Sightings of dancing skeletons shall be more prevalent as Halloween approaches. Don't let your sheer enthusiasm for mountain climbing lead you down a slippery slope. There should be a change in the weather at some point in your area. The sale of fireworks will skyrocket next June. Never slap a Rhinoceros in your bare feet. You will be recognized at your next family reunion---sorry...

TODAY'S FUN FACT:  A Floorist is a guy who lays down tile for a living. If he has trouble doing his job, it is known today as erect-tile dysfunction...

MAN ARRESTED FOR SMUGGLING BOOKS INTO ARKANSAS!

HORRORSCOPE (10-27-09) Your tailor may try to alter your opinion to suit his needs. This is a wonderfully creative day for you, call in sick and rearrange your sock drawer! This can be a very fruitful day if you work in an orchard. To count on others just doesn't add up. A good waiter brings a lot to the table. You are the driving force behind the wheel of your car. Think twice before procrastinating. Make tentative choices without hesitation. Experienced barbers shear at a good clip and never cut corners. Enjoy yourself while boating but don't go overboard...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: A hair in your popsicle is called a "follicle."

CHECK YOUR PUMPKINS TODAY FOR ICONIC IMAGES!

HORROR-SCOPE (10-25-09) In your pumpkin patch today, you will find a pumpkin that looks similar to Jesus or possibly one of his disciples. Make sure you get photo proof and back it up on a disc before you call the liberal media. Prepare yourself for the onslaught of nutbags who will be invading your property crying, moaning, praying and stuff... Shave, shower and wear you best good clean clothes so you look decent on camera. Are you sure you want to go thru with this? Remember the wise old adage, "A warehouseman never performs a stocking feat in his stocking feet." Strap on a harness and it will give you a new leash on life and show great restraint...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Christopher Columbus landed on our shores on October 12, 1492---which just so happened to be "COLUMBUS DAY!"

Question: "How was the carnival?" Answer: "Faire"

HORRORSCOPE (10-22-09) Face the music by turning towards the speakers. Keep a close eye on the situation at hand from afar. Have a riot at the demonstration. I hope things were fine in trafiic court today. I hope your sprained ankle is swell, but I heard the carnival was fair. Keeping things simple will only complicate matters. Unless you're tired of living, never whack a leopard in the butt with a wiffle ball bat. You are allergic to rash thinking. Take the weight off your shoulders by letting others do the heavy lifting. Your shoe's untied...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: The very first Microphones were simple crude vocal enhancers that were virtualy inaudible.

GRANDPA RODE A TRACTOR, JESUS RODE A RAPTOR

HORROR-SCOPE (10-18-09) This is an accident-prone day. Do not leave an open gallon of paint on top of the ladder as you fly by it blind folded on your roller skates while holding a flaming torch in one hand, a pair of scissors in the other hand, a rag dripping with gasoline in your back pocket and a butcher knife in your teeth... Living in a fantasy world will make your dreams come true. It'a a good day to chill out in the desert sun. Ferrets are not a wise choice for house pets---along with aardvarks, raptors, gibbons, cobras, panthers and pumas. You won't run out of time if you have enough clocks. Double-cross those who cross you...

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: The fattest Dinosaur was the "BLUTOSAURUS.

LAST ONE IN THE ARK IS A ROTTEN DINOSAUR EGG!

HORROR-SCOPE (10-17-09) Think twice before doing anything spontaneous. If someone makes fun of your lawn, defend your turf and stand your ground. Initiate change by using larger bills. To clear your schedule, highlight and hit delete. Let your car steer you in the right direction. A good stage manager works behind the scenes. To stay on a level playing field, keep off the mound. Share the wealth by spending other people's money. The next time someone cooks for you, return the flavor. Lie to others and be true to yourself. Chirping is for the birds...

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: The stupidest of all Dinosaurs was the "INBECILLION." It was even dumber than the "MORONOSAURUS."

DID YOU HEAR THAT? HEAR WHAT? (Door to Door Mimes)

HORROR-SCOPE (10-13-09) If you undergo transplant surgery today, you will have a change of heart. Door to door MIMES will be in your neighborhood today, but you won't hear them knock. You genuinely enjoy the company of others especially when you are home alone. Go to a butcher shop for a meat and greet. Taste everything you eat with a grain of salt. Fix up your digs by covering the holes in your story. Beating one to the punch will bring you added clout---as well as satisfying your thirst. Step up to the plate but don't eat with your hands. If you cannot say something complimentary, then disparaging, deprecating, insulting, belittling, offensive and derogatory comments will do. I'd wave but my hands are full...
TODAY'S FUN FACT: A giant prehistoric moth is called a "BEHEMOTH." The most famous one is known as "Mothra."

MICHAEL BOLTON---STILL DANGEROUS EVEN WITH SHORT HAIR!

HORROR-SCOPE (10-10-09) Michael Bolton songs can be very harmful today; play it safe by NOT listening to any of his overwrought histrionics and immediately leave any stores, offices or elevators that are soothingly and subliminally oozing his tortured tunes out of their speakers---but especially dangerous are "Bolton-ized" versions of classic Motown ballads! The understanding of the word "Celsius" requires in tens thinking. A tolerant psychiatrist has a lot of patients. Magic is an illusion. Put a bookmark in your feelings so you know where you left off. Reverse your past by moving forward. Think small, dream big, never hire a medium and order a jumbo hot dog---without ketchup!!!
TODAY'S FUN FACT: You can't measure a live snake.

Beehive Hairdo back in fashion! The Apatosaurus was purple!

HORRORSCOPE (10-08-09) You have a dedicated passion to eagerly pursue enthusiasm with a zealous fervor! If you feel that the Earth sucks, it's most likely just gravity pulling. Wash your new pants before you wear them---Remember, good jeans come to those who fade. Good shapes come to those who lathe. Tub rings come to those who bathe. Good strings strum to those who play. Good weaves come to those who braid. Good links come to those who chain. Good swings come to those who sway. Good rinks come to those who skate. Good tips come to those who wait. Good fees come to those who rate. Spending money frivolously will affect your value system. You may be allergic to bees if you break out in hives...

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: SAUROPODS, which includes, among others, the APATOSAURUS (formerly known as The Brontosaurus) and the BRACHIOSAURUS, are now believed to have been purple in color, and communicated by utilizing a high-pitched bark!

GODZILLA CHOMPS ON A LIONEL TRAIN AFTER WREAKING HAVOC AT A TOKYO TOY STORE!

HORROR-SCOPE (10-07-09) You are in a groove, so set the record straight, play it forward, keep your needle to the grindstone and stay on track. Listen to yourself but wear headphones. The fastest animal in the world is the Cheater, but it never wins the race. The fruit falls mainly from the tree. Buy the skillet before the eggs hatch. You must break out of your shell before you can leave the nest. Love is the glue that will keep you together, but it may wash off. Dress down and look your best---but please---never go shopping wearing sweatpants! Remember, inspired inspiration is your insightful incentive to spur on the driving force of motivation. Elevate your situation and move to the mountains.

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: The largest Dinosaur ever unearthed is called the "Godzillasaurus." Discovered in Tokyo in 1954, the Godzillasaurus or "Godzilla" as it is nicknamed, stood well over 200 feet tall, weighed over 50,000 tons, breathed fire, and had a deafening metallic sounding roar. Godzilla was aquatic and terrestrial, very strong and dexterous---and even learned a prehistoric version of the martial arts. Godzilla is the only Dinosaur that has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

ALL DOLLED UP FOR THE ANTIQUE SHOW

HORRORSCOPE (10-04-09) The Moons of ZorbaTugg are partially hidden today which means---Never ever trust Antique Dolls! The older and the creepier they are, the more dangerous. They don't necessarily look human but they also DO in a way, don't they? Even if these porcelain vessels of wickedness are perched in a locked glass case, you are still not safe, for their evil knows no boundaries...And if you snap a photo of them with their eyes looking away, you will notice when downloading the photo, at least one doll will be looking directly at YOU---the camera---thus proving they actually are alive. You can also forget about putting one of them in a vice and sawing its head off---it didn't work in a old Twilight Zone episode and it surely won't work in real life. Your only obvious choices are to, move out of the country, turn off the Sci-Fi channel, or burn your house down with the dolls in it---but if you go with the last choice, don't be surprised if they escape---charred and burning mad!!!

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Initially, there were 29 letters in the alphabet but the other 3 letters didn't spell anything and were dropped in 1527 by King Riley III.

TRANSMISSION FROM SPACE THOUGHT TO BE MANUAL

HORRORSCOPE (10-02-09) The Moon is in your back pocket today; wear it well. You are magnetic so avoid steel shavings. Reach for the high notes in a low key way. You're ready to tackle disputes if you're wearing a helmet. Another wayward wrench from the Space Station was hurdling towards Earth but upon entering our atmosphere, vanished into thin air. Close call. You're an easy going hopeless romantic, which makes it so darn easy for you to get stepped on, trampled on, chewed up and spat out. Sit back and relax but be on your toes and everything will be copacetic---I'm not sure what it means either but I recall taking two teaspoons of it every time I was sick as a kid and hated the taste...

TODAY'S FUN DINOSAUR FACT: The smallest Dinosaurs were called "Shrimptons." These tiny marsh dwellers measured only 2 inches long and were boneless.

MARS NEEDS GUITARS---BUT NOT YOU!

HORROR-SCOPE (10-01-09) In you live in a remote area and are abducted (again) by Aliens and transported to Mars, STAY IN THE SHIP! With its 0.13% Gravity and 95% carbon dioxide and surface temperatures as low as -200 Fahrenheit, the thin atmosphere of our distant Spherical Reddish Friend will suck the life right out of you---almost like listening to a Michael Bolton album! If you do foolishly decide to explore the windy dusty barren landscape, for Heaven's sake--wear a nice warm coat, SCBA (self-contained breathing apparatus) and sensible shoes. And for the love of PeteBob, don't do the "Moonwalk joke" for the Martians, they've seen it a million times since 1983 and are not impressed. In fact, many indigenous Martians are unhappy with Earthlings (or "Hayseeds" as they mockingly refer to us) continually being abducted and brought to their planet only to be probed, photographed, cloned and then dropped back off on one of our lonely backwoods country roads. Some Martians have even started protesting, but since we are the only other inhabitants in the Galaxy discovered so far, we're the only choice they have---though they wonder in amazement how such "Empty Vessels" managed to land on the "Little Orb" a few times back in the '70's.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: A Martian year is 687 Earth days---which explains why Martians look so good for their age...