Reports indicate that Christmas Shopping deteriorates your mental stability!

HORRORSCOPE (11-30-09) Live it up today---fly to another country for breakfast, then sail back home on a homemade raft. If you think you still love humanity, do me a favor and go Christmas shopping---then get back to me...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The Cavemen who discovered fire were in fear of it, while the young Cave Children were fascinated with fire and often played with it.

Elvis Impersonator abducted by aliens on a rural country backroad!!!

HORRORSCOPE (11-29-09) Try canning as a hobby but keep a lid on it. When pushed into a corner, circle your enemies. Stay away from wide open rural areas and isolated country roads today, as the chances of "human hunting" alien craft sightings will increase as the evening approaches---Elvis impersonators are especially at risk...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The first alien abduction occurred in 1961. Once the made for TV movie about that event aired in 1975, humans were being abducted by aliens at an alarming rate, especially during rerun season...

Frazier the Turkey's diet was one person a day!

HORRORSCOPE (11-26-09) Surprise company might pop by your place today---surprise them by not being home. Dysfunction is NOT unique to your family. Eat until you lose consciousness. Follow your hunch but sit up straight. A "New York minute" is 44 seconds long.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Frazier, the world's largest turkey, was 27 feet tall, 13 feet wide and weighed 2,036 pounds! It fed the entire town of Fourhead, Iowa on Thanksgiving in 1967.

Plenty of room for you---at the Skeleton Hotel!

HORRORSCOPE (11-22-09) A printing press is a possible money making venture. Furnaces are full of hot air. Droughts may inhibit cash flow. I would still bet the farm that the Nigerian Prince emailing you for money in exchange for bigger money, is a fraud---just a hunch. Drop aplomb with assurance. Careful as to not cause a sore...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: The famous "Catacombs of Chlamydiah" date back to the 2nd Century but were only discovered in 1900!

Rare Photo of Jesus and his pet Dinosaur, Hymie!

HORRORSCOPE (11-21-09) Make a dog your pet project. Travel is the best way to get somewhere else. Isolation is more effective by yourself behind closed doors. You are prone to make sudden changes that concerns your livelihood, don’t take this lying down. Plan a schedule for your next agenda.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Jesus had a pet dinosaur named Hymie.

HAPPY "PET A PANTHER" DAY!

HORRORSCOPE (11-20-09) As you know, in most areas of the country, today is "Pet a Panther Day." Take your time while making an impulsive decision. Take stock of your soup recipes. Tomorrow will be today's past and yesterday's future. If you feel you can't make it to the finish line, turn back at the half-way mark. Don’t be a heal and send money to a TV evangelist...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: "Pet a Panther Day" was started by President Theodore Roosevelt and declared a "National Day of Observance" on November 20th, 1908.

HORRORSCOPE (11-20-09) Take your time while making an impulsive decision. Take stock of your soup recipes. In some areas, today is "Pet a Panther" day. Tomorrow will be today's past and yesterday's future. If you feel prankish today, do not take paint balls to work. If you feel you can't make it to the finish line, turn back at the half-way mark...


TODAY'S FUN FACT:

White Men, along with badminton, invent another safe sport to excel in...

HORRORSCOPE (11-19-09)  You need to get to the bottom of things---but stay away from wells. Negative thinking is rampant among photographers who lose focus. When you’re left with your own devices, have plenty of remotes. Newspapers are black and white and read all over. You can be very productive today in creative areas---find out where they are and move there.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Wiffle Ball was an Olympic event---but only once, at the 1964 Summer games in Tokyo.

Proof that Einstein once taught at a Catholic Grade School!

HORROR-SCOPE (11-16-09) Never throw in the towel unless doing laundry. Never jump to conclusions without proper footwear. You tend to be a loner when not around others. Drummers will play an important roll in your life. Pull your weight but don’t be pushy. Healing cures all wounds. Brine cures all ham.


TODAY'S FUN FACT: In accordance with the Gregorian calendar, THANKSGIVING is on a Thursday this year---and as a result, CHRISTMAS will fall on the 25Th of December!

GIRL SURVIVES BACKYARD TIGHTROPE ACCIDENT!

HORRORSCOPE (11-15-09) Open your heart and it will bleed. Alert ballet dancers are always on their toes. Bale the hay yourself and save a bundle. Speak up while sitting down. Tying off your boat properly when win your pier's respect. Plumbing problems will sink you and drain your savings--beware. Enjoy the company of people who agree with everything you say. Monkeys don't really enjoy dressing in suits and smoking cigars.


TODAY'S FUN FACT:  98% of tightrope walkers are killed on the job...

eCONOMY AFFECTING THE WIG INDUSTRY AS MORE MEN ADOPT THE "COMB-OVER!"

HORRORSCOPE (11-13-09) Friday the 13th is considered by some to be a bad luck day, but you're too smart for that rubbish aren't you? That said, consider staying indoors today with the curtains drawn, the windows shut and the doors locked as nothing good is out there for you on this dark day. Be fierce in your subtlety. The next time you take it to another level, use an elevator. Don't answer that---it's just another door-to-door door salesman. Lay down your arms and the legs will follow.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: There are two kinds of people in the world:
1. Those who hate being Bald
2. Those who claim it doesn’t bother them

"Mom, can we go to Sears---I need a new lizard?" (boy, 1964)

HORRORSCOPE (11-12-09) If a Nigerian Prince tries to hand you "free" Carrot Top tickets today, don't fall for it! Eat more citrus outdoors and bask in the limelight. Avoid needless disputes with co-workers or customers unless they say something stupid. Grazing cows often chew the scenery. In the distant future, focus on the here and now. Putting your head together with someone else works wonders unless you’re a conjoined twin.

TODAY'S FUN FACT: In 1969 at your local Sears you could buy a chemistry set, a wedding dress, fresh flowers, a Spider Monkey, a hunting knife, a new set of tires and have them installed, a robot, a turtle that would live for 9 days, a "Ted Williams" rifle, fertilizer, fish for your aquarium, a paisley shirt, poison, a garden tractor, a fur coat, a hot dog and fries and have a shoe salesman in a white shirt and tie fine shoes for you that fit. (They stopped selling homes in 1940)

TOO MANY PEOPLE TAKE ROCK FORMATIONS FOR GRANITE

HORROR-SCOPE (11-11-09) Marching drummers are extremely upbeat. Some realtors have a lot to offer. All hills have a downside. Try hot-air ballooning but don’t get carried away. Pilots have their heads in the clouds. When in doubt, eat more cake. Road construction paves the way for others to follow. Martinis deserve a fair shake.

TODAY’S FUN FACT: Carrots get their color from “Oxygen.”

MAN GOES BERSERK OPENING PACKAGE, SAWS OFF THREE FINGERS!

HORROR-SCOPE (11-07-09) Reduce overhead by wearing a smaller hat. Bathing makes good scents. The chances of renegade flying monkeys stealing babies from your arms increases today as the sun settles in the west---beware. A good hammer will fix anything. Many of you will notice subtle changes in the next few years---changes in style, your looks, your finances, maybe even your entire life’s situation. Tomorrow's a good day to procrastinate---or the next day—or the day after that. In a roundabout way, square off with your inner circle. In a scary voice, ask telemarketers for their home phone number and address...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Please take comfort in the fact that EVERYONE has the same trouble as you do opening CD and DVD packaging---this is NOT a mental deficiency issue---but "blister packaging" requires dynamite...

"OK, I'LL GET IN, BUT I WANT MY OWN ROOM!" (Noah's son Denis)

HORRORSCOPE (11-04-09) There should be a change of weather at some point in your area. Protect your home and assets with a motion-detecting vaporizing radioactive laser fence. A bizarre yoga accident may leave you in an awkward position. If you had the talent and personality, you could impress others with your humor. Write short stories in longhand. Carefully selected choices should be randomly chosen. Who was in charge of getting the Tarantulas, Cobras, Saber Tooth Tigers, and Rhinos onto the Ark? I certainly would've been too busy "looking for more sealant for the gaps" or something...

TODAY'S FUN FACT: Sweatpants were actually invented to be worn INDOORS...

IMMIGRANT BREAKS INTO SUBURBAN HOME, DUSTS, VACUUMS AND LEAVES!

HORROR-SCOPE (11-02-09) Watch out for illegal aliens today landing in your neighborhood, mowing your lawn and then flying back home! Avoid piloting small aircraft without first taking lessons. Employees at a Weighing Machine factory work for scale. Horses are stable animals. Coffee beans should be part of your daily grind. Drink premium vodka to be full of good spirits. Romancing with someone wealthy will enrich your life. The United States Citizenship exam should have no fewer than THREE “Rock and Roll” questions that must be correct.


TODAY’S FUN FACT: A diamond will not dissolve in acid. Intense heat is the only thing that can destroy it---that, and divorce…